- Temporal Disconnect -
In case some of you are wondering what temporal means, dictionary.com says
tem·po·ral –adjective
| 1. | of or pertaining to time. |
| 2. | pertaining to or concerned with the present life or this world; worldly |
| 3. | enduring for a time only; temporary; transitory |
It has been bugging me for some time now, but recently I have felt a huge rift open up between me and the happenings in this world. Its like somehow I have become jaded, and suddenly everything doesn't seem to matter like it used to. Like how my life used to revolve around NTU. Suddenly I don't give a shit. Nothing matters. Not getting up on time for lecture. Not attending my tutorials. Not even studying for tests.
Just in case some of you actually think that I have suddenly become emo, I am really just jaded, and it might perhaps have something to do with eating the food from can 2 and can A one time too many because I live on campus. After a while everything is equally tasteless. It is probably a bad time to start feeling that right now, but I think I need a break. And the break isn't going to come till November ends.
And this general mood of "jaded-ness" has led me to question why I am in CS at all. When I go for a group outing, I don't know what to say or do because everyone is just fighting for attention and its not in me to steal the limelight. And when I do have things to say, I don't know if I should say it, and before I know it, the chance is gone. And it is scarier still when people start talking about popular culture and all their grand flashy plans to shock and awe everyone in CS and I realise that I have no interest or knowledge in what they are talking about.
I suddenly feel that my life is so empty, so two dimensional. I suddenly feel like I have never really lived.
I don't know where to go. I don't want to be there, because I feel so left out, but I can't leave either, because its not very nice. I don't know if you have ever been in that situation, but it is so difficult when you realise that your interests and those of your peers don't match. I try to fit myself into their conversation, but I realise that it is ultimately futile because it really isn't who I am.
And thinking about all that, I look back on my past.
I was brought up in a system where only the result mattered, where you were worthless unless you had a certain number on your report transcript. Teachers would shun you, and pigeonhole you into the worst classes and tutorial sessions if you so much as slipped up a little. Even your own schoolmates shunned you, because you were different. Defined by a different label, taught a different syllabus, and fundamentally just different.
Where every Chinese New Year you were defined as that kid from so and so school, with the obligatory back slap because you were the pride of the family. And I lived my whole life trying to be that person. Only to realise ultimately that it wasn't me. And by the time I did, there was no getting back the years that I had already lost.
I don't remember much of my formative years. If anything, they weren't really worth remembering. If anything, I wonder at how I have grown so isolated from the world around me that I live in.
But after this rift, with this temporal disconnect, I have learnt that perhaps, it is time to start living, for me.
To start leading the life I want to lead. But like a little baby, I fumble and fall. Because it is all so new to me. I have never heard half the music you people listen to and tell me about. I have never seen many of the movies or tv serials that you all converse about. I have never experienced the vivid school life everyone talks about. I have never been to all the countries and places you all have seen. And I still don't know what it means to have a best friend. Because it never seemed possible to me. Not when everyone was a competitor and not to be trusted.
I am fundamentally, empty. Like a little child. Who is already an adult.
But in the darkness, I look to the night sky. And I know that there is that one star there, just that one star, that shines for me, giving me strength. And from today, I will try to live, just for myself. Taking little baby steps. And when I look back in a few years, I hope that I will be glad that I made this choice, on this very day.