A day in the office.

Being a former student of a well respected institution, one would naturally think that it confers certain advantages. Well, it does. Like how during chinese new year kaypoh relatives stay far away because they don't want to embarass their kids asking about your grades.

They are quite bad by the way. Its the other people in the school that do really well. The collective association is always nice though.

I'm currently working in a part time job, in a factory job packing stuff and also doing data entry in the office. It would be boring if not for the juicy gossip and backbiting. But that's another story.

So I was sending out a batch of about 200 emails when a manager came along and asked me which school I was from. Immediately alarm bells rang in my head. I couldn't lie though because it was in my resume. And also because my supervisor loves telling people he has people under him who come from hwa chong junior college. So I told him so.

Immediately it came. The inevitable sharp intake of breath. The raising of the eyebrows. The pulling away of the upper body. And the "pleasantries".

"Wah... so smart. What are you doing here? You're overqualified for the job."

Well yeah thanks. How about your job then? You want to give me your job? You got your job on an A-level certificate? Cockster.

And after that, the next inevitable question. "So you must be furthering your studies then. Which course are you going into?"

Hey! people pay you to work, you eat snake and kah-jiao the temp. Anyway here's the correct answer to his question. Medicine, law, engineering or sciences.

"Mass comm". Wrong answer! Congratulations! He looks at you like you are the guy who just farted in a crowded lift.

"What? You have such good grades and you chose an arts course?"

Yes I chose an arts course. Why do you make it sound like I am asking you to join me on my final journey?

Its weird how Singaporeans expect all good students to be scientists and professionals but not artists and editors. Then who do you think does your newspapers? Don't tell me its a printer ok.

Sometimes I think about telling people that I'm doing engineering so that I can save myself the silly exchange you see above. Unfortunately I'm a bad liar. If I told you that I'm really a skinny shaved orangutan who escaped from the birdpark you'd believe me.

So I was thinking should I defend my choice of course or should I just ignore this guy? But it so happened that I didn't have to do either because another colleague came by and started talking to him about their children's school grades. What a disgusting discussion topic right? Their children become their pawns in their quest for ego domination and superiority in the office.

I was saved any further questions, because like I said above, nobody wants to ask you about your grades.

The ironies.

Beware. Ironies ahead. Oh, and before of course.

Ooh... What a long break. I love long breaks. The longer the break the less I want to work. Somehow the more time I have the less I do with it. WHY? Well, time to start working.

Are we being too hard on ourselves? I mean Singaporeans are a really unhappy lot. You walk on the streets and everyone is wearing a look that says "I've a pimple on my butt cheek and its chafing against my jeans or I've been conscripted against my will." Or both. Or they could be bemoaning the increasing oil prices, the increasing transport prices, or even the increase in 10 cents of their beloved kopi-o. Whatever.

We are all people who want sympathy when we feel down, but sometimes I guess it goes beyond that. The sympathy is probably part of our greater human need for attention which we get very little of or probably think we have no time to give. Such pragmatists are we.

This nation is far too practical and pragmatic for its own good. I mean I can understand that being a small and more or less insignificant (hey relax people its true! you know it!) country leads to a nation of insecure, humorless, and uptight people, but we really do need to see a lighter side. I see one sometimes, but everytime I point it out people are like "ok, now what?" Even myself sometimes. Hey it doesn't have to earn money to be funny ok?

We might not have beautiful scenery like the Japanese and Koreans, or land to build palaces for the price of a HDB flat. Oh, here's a story I'd like to relate to you. My family once had a maid who had a house at least five times larger than ours back in Indonesia, paid for with our money. It even had an inner courtyard! Gives you quite a bit to think about huh.

But we have... ok I'll be honest with you we honestly don't have much, but Singapore's a good enough place to stay in. Its not a great holiday destination, that's why some places are called holiday destinations and some are called Sentosa!

Its a good home though. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm perfectly happy with staying at home. People call me a no-lifer and shit for that, but I'm happy doing it. And that's all that matters. If going out makes you happy, do it. If only so that my ears have peace. Singapore is full of retards as it is who go out only to find that they really want to go home, and vice versa. It doesn't have enough people who are happy with what they have.

There's also something that I'm still learning to undo that I think my being a Singaporean has something to do with. We constantly have to put down everything that's Singaporean because its well... Singaporean. Such insecure people are we. We are never proud enough of our accomplishments, because we are by nature seemingly ashamed that we even exist. Goodness. You'll never see an American saying in an international competition that his country is shit. Or closer to home, a Chinese guy. Don't give me that they are citizens of big nations shit. There's your inner Singaporean again.

But I'll be the first to admit that I'll do all of the above. Because I'm Singaporean born and bred. See that Sentosa put-down? Shit.

Critical Cubism #7

The cockroach. A weapon of mass panic if there was any. How could you not be disgusted by it. It has hairy legs, it flies around and it stinks. Eww.

Singaporeans need a sense of humour

Here's a joke I heard while I was on exercise. For buddhists you have buddhism. For hindus you have hinduism. For taoists you have taoism. for rainbows you have... rainbowism!

I think some of you might be thinking "Um where's the joke?". You know, I think that was precisely the joke. Because after that the major just laughed his head off like it was the funniest joke in the world! I laughed too, but not because of the joke. I was laughing because of the sight of the staff sargeant trying to laugh along and failing miserably because the joke was just anything but funny.

I think its great that people working still try to be humourous, because they can hardly be said to have a sense of humour. But trying too hard is just sad. It shows that the person has totally lost track of what humour is, which also shows how out of touch the person is with people who actually have a sense of humour.

Onto my topic about people who have lost a sense of humour, I guess I can say half of the fans watching the current season of Singapore Idol don't have it. Why get so worked up over the current season? I mean it doesn't matter if the best singers get voted off. I mean it. Look at last season's winner, Mr. Taufik. What does he do now? Sing? Oh defintely not. The last time you saw him on TV he was probably plugging a 7-Eleven drink.



Oh yeah. I love 7-Eleven. Don't you love it too?

Which brings me back to my current point. Why are all you Idol fans getting into a twist just because of a certain Joakim who you think can't sing? For one I think he'll be much better at selling 7-Eleven than Taufik. That's what the Idol is for man. Selling 7-Eleven.

You really think Singapore Idol is for finding good singers? How stupid are you? If that were the case people would only be allowed to vote once per telephone number. The truth, which I'm afraid some people can't handle, is the whole competition is a popularity contest rigged to earn the most money possible for Singtel and 7-Eleven. Please. Open your eyes and use your brains. Stop voting for the singers. They aren't the people 7-Eleven are looking for. Singtel has already made sure of that. Your good singers would probably be much better striking out on their own now that the fake singing competition has given them a higher profile.

And you know how they tell you that you should vote more for your idols? That's all a Singtel conspiracy man. Its precisely the thing that's keeping Joakim in the competition and Mathilda out, while raking in huge bucks for Singtel. Let me enlighten you on how it works. By asking you to vote more, the one Mathilda fan will vote 150% more, but the 10 rabid Joakim fans thinking that their idol is in trouble will vote 200% more. Who wins? Singtel. And then they do it again till everyone's out of idols to vote for and Joakim's fans are out of moolah.

Next... they will then produce an album for Joakim, for which all these rabid fans will sell their accessories and work part-time to pay for. Who wins? Ken Lim. Nevermind that he "hates" Joakim's singing. Deep down he knows that the rabid girl-fans of Joakim will ensure that he laughs all the way to the bank. Nevermind the bad singing. Half the singers out there can't sing anyway. You just need a pretty face that cons little teen girls into thinking they have a chance with you and they will break the banks and overcome all odds come what may to make sure you will win Idol just so that you can sell more records, and make more money at their expense.

It rocks to be Joakim Gomez man. Just pity those stupid little girls.

Critical Cubism #6

It sucks to fail on a technicality. How is a person who runs one second slower, or jumps one cm less any less fit then someone who passes right on the dot? I know there needs to be a cutoff somewhere but try explaining that to the guy who jumped 215cm.

Critical Cubism #5

With all the spoonfeeding the government heaps on us I think we've forgotten how to live our lives. As much as the government means good, I think too much spoonfeeding actually dulls our drive and makes us mindless drones. Maybe we were better off as a people 40 years back when we actually had to fight for survival day to day.

But I'd rather live in now. I'm a pampered citizen.

The life of a system administrator.

The life of a system administrator is something like that of those people at information counters in shopping centres. You seldom have to do anything other than answer stupid questions and entertain their even stupider requests.

Q: Eh, where's the toilet ar?
A: You got two eyes right? See the sign?

And when there is actually work to do, its usually quite serious, like when somebody goes missing, or in my case, when someone kicks the server over and effectively disables the WHOLE network.

You think that's nothing? Not when you're supporting like 60 computers on exercise and suddenly 60 angry and sleep deprived men want to know at once why their work has disappeared. Its like a scene from Night of the Living Dead, but with bad breath.

Like I said the requests are usually stupid. I was holidaying in dreamland when a warrant officer suddenly walked up from behind me and tapped my shoulder. As it is after all the seventh lunar month, I wasn't exactly composed. But I tried my best to look the attentive soldier as he related his request. Quite futile since he already saw me sleeping and my forehead had a red bump from sleeping too long on it.

"Eh my laptop hang leh. How ah?"

Oh, you take the laptop, smash it against the wall and get a new one. Alternatively you could try waiting for it to recover. It might actually decide that hanging is pretty boring and come back into action.

Of course I couldn't tell him that. But somehow there's no way to tell him that he only needs to push a button without making him sound dumb. I think he's pretty used to it anyway being a warrant officer but still its not very nice. He's after all an old man and I've been taught to respect old men. If only for their age.

But that wasn't the stupidest request. The stupidest one came from of all people, a commissioned officer.

"Hey, I can't see any email from other people. Is there something wrong with my mailbox?"

We thought it sounded serious, so we went down to check. Guess what the problem was?

No one had sent him any email. Of course he hadn't received any email and hence, he couldn't see anything. D'oh!

Stupidity should be outlawed.

Critical Cubism #4

7 hours of sleep in the army is a farce. They shouldn't even bother asking this question. It doesn't mean anything even if you say no anyway. You still have to go for your runs.

Critical Cubism #3

Wait to rush, rush to wait. A classic demonstration of why so much time is wasted while you're in the green.

The Yellow Ribbon campaign

Ribbon campaigns are pretty useless. Low on significance and people think that just wearing the ribbon equates to supporting the campaign. Well, supporting it in name but not in spirit. Kind of like the four million smiles campaign. Or the less oil in your hawker food campaign. Or the Speak Good English campaign. So on and so forth.

Many of us are probably familiar with the green ribbon. Every year it is sucked into the black hole within our schoolbags, never to see the light of day until the next one comes the next year to join its predecessor.

I have a suggestion, and that is to save the environment by NOT making these ribbons because they are really just a waste of cloth and money. The environment's already in its death throes, we don't have to plunge another dagger in its back for stupid meaningless ribbons.

But today my main beef is with the yellow ribbon. For those who didn't even bother to find out what these mean, the yellow ribbon represents giving prison offenders a second chance in society. As much as I believe in this campaign, 1% out of 4 million people does not spell good news for those affected.

For most people in society, once someone goes to prison its as good as the person having stepped into another dimension, gone to planet Sartus XII, and forever erased from society and normal social interactions. When they actually return, they are infested with Sars and cannot be associated with. What are their chances of getting a job, or anywhere near another human being for that matter?

Need more evidence? Despite the presence of the yellow ribbon, NSFs who are unlucky enough to end up in DB (military prison) for more than 14 days still cannot enter university. Any NSF will tell you that its actually quite easy to end up in DB. Just tell your commander what you really think of him. Just joking.

I'm also pretty sure that the policeman on TV telling us to give prison offenders a second chance wouldn't hesitate to disagree to that very same offender being his colleague. If even the people telling us to trust these people don't trust them, how can they expect us to do so?

I really think that offenders of minor crimes, like petty thefts, that have not relapsed for a long period of time upon release should have their slates wiped clean. After all you have no idea what it feels like to be cured of Sars. In addition it would give the yellow ribbon more significance.

Inadvertently, the moralistic types will tell me that such people can never be trusted. In that case, don't let me see you wearing a yellow ribbon. I will wring that ribbon around your furry weasel neck.

Critical Cubism #2

I hate moving stores. Seriously. Its hard work and like totally not gratifiying in any sense. Its worse still when they decide to move everything back after its done.

Critical Cubism #1

Knowing the impact of pictures, I've decided to create my own comic strip reflecting my life experiences. Its amazing what you can do when you are bored and inspired enough. Its called Critical Cubism and this is the first comic.

Of Hogs And Men

I was seriously very sad when I read recently about Singapore's lift hogs and road hogs. I thought pig farms were history in Singapore. But it seems that the only thing that's changed is that the pigs have escaped from the farms and assimilated into our society.

Reading about how the hogs block up lifts despite the presence of emergency personnel or refuse to give way on the roads, its seriously surprising that the hog population is still so huge. I thought that eventually enough hogs would be killed by such selfish behaviour that the population would decline due to natural selection, albeit with many innocent casulaties thrown in. I know this sounds rather insensitive but if you're wondering why people here are so hard-hearted wait till its your turn to be on that stretcher. Its really heartwarming how nice people can be. =)

I've heard that now civilians can report news by sending pictures and other forms of media to STOMP at 75557. I wonder if anyone could take a few pictures of these hogs so that we can gather them and send them back to farms. You might be shocked at who they are. That friendly neighbourhood uncle of yours might actually have a dark side. He is descended from pigs. Or maybe its that teacher you dislike in school. Or an army regular. Or your boss. That would explain a lot wouldn't it?

In any case I've chanced upon the wonders of using a camera recently and I think I might add a few more interesting pictures soon. A picture speaks a thousand words or so they say.

The End of the White and Sky Blue 2006.

This is a football related post. Skip if you don't understand why men chase after balls and if you don't want me to waste your time for you.

I am darn freaking pissed man. My favourite team Argentina just got kicked out of the world cup. But it isn't the fact that they are out that makes me pissed. In that case I would just be disappointed and sad. It was the way that went out that makes me hopping mad. What was the coach doing?

Ok, now that that's out of my system let me tell you why he is a retard. His team was leading 1-0. They were controlling the game and the Germans looked very un-German, disorganised and dispirited. You know what the moron did? He took off his playmaker who was ripping the Germans to shreds and put a defensive midfielder. I thought he was a tactical genius. You know what that move reminded me of? The ham chi no balls England manager Eriksson! Tactical idiot number one. One only needs to look at how he tried the same thing in competitions, TWICE, and lost to sucker punches in the dying minutes both times.

Do NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT try to defend a 1-0 lead in front of the home crowd, and more importantly, don't ever take off your playmaker, unless you have a trump card. The coach did the one thing all males fear most. He neutered their guns! In every sense of the word! He turned a world beating team into a bunch of pussycats with just one tactical masterstroke. If I didn't know better I'd have thought he was the German assistant manager. He couldn't have chosen a better way to demonstrate tactical suicide.

But that was not all. His second substitution was worse still. He substituted Crespo for some random called Julio Cruz who is not even on the first team at Inter. With proven hitmen Saviola and Messi on the bench, he chose this chance to give some second-rate player his debut. I thought coaches only did that when they were like 4-0 up. What great timing.

As though it was planned, once Cruz came on, Germany equalised, eventually won the match and the coach Pekerman looked like a ball-less and brainless moron along with all his neutered men. You only have to look at the penalties to see what I mean. Argentina took penalties with their defensive midfielders and defenders. Who normally don't even go anywhere near the goal. Of course they can't shoot? Don't even tell me that Ayala scored the first goal. He used his head. Penalty can use head arh?

What a pissoff. I seriously wasted my time on this World Cup. The Germans won. Because even when they were playing badly, they had their 12th man. Their fans. And the 13th man. The coach of their opponent. How to fight?

Are politeness surveys really relevant?

There's just something wrong with politeness surveys. One survey done recently rated Singaporeans as very polite people. Yet another rated Singapore as fifth from last among other nations for politeness. Well, I personally think that Singaporeans aren't polite. Singaporeans are more like reserved. Or rather, so reserved that they could be mistaken for the dumb until they get Progress Packages.

I think that's the common mistake other countries make when they describe Singaporeans as nice polite people. The reason why they think so is probably because we don't talk much, so people just think we're being nice. I mean who seems more polite, some American telling you to go fly uncle charlie's kite or a Singaporean?

However, Singaporeans aren't just reserved, they're apathetic too. And when a politeness survey uses another set of criteria, Singaporeans will quickly be found lacking. The second survey which rated Singapore poorly used criteria that required Singaporeans to actually step in and do something, like someone dropping a stack of books and waiting for help.

I as a Singaporean will actually tell you that you'd be better off picking up the books yourself. Singaporeans will stop and look, think "should I help?", decide you're not worth the trouble and move on. That's how Singapore is. I'm not surprised we did badly for the second survey.

In fact, Singapore is so bad at this whole social interaction business, including courtesy and politeness, that the government has to step in and launch a campaign like "4 million smiles", which borders on the ridiculous and smacks of desperation.

You can't make Singaporeans more sociable just by starting some stupid campaign and hoping it works. Full marks for trying but a big flat zero for effectiveness. I have no idea why Singapore still uses campaigns when we can see that they don't work. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we're lost for other solutions. Think about that.

Social interaction is a culture. The reason why other countries do it better is because it is second nature to them. In Singapore its just not in the national psyche to be anything other than an efficient, emotionless worker drone obsessed about the bottom line and results. Maybe we've forgotten to be people, so much that we need surveys to tell us that we are too robotic.

And don't even get me started on how much we are suckers for anything that quantifies our success, like surveys. It seems that Singapore would go out of the way just to get good ratings for surveys, like its some stupid exam where we need to score 100 marks. Maybe we do well at surveys because others don't care so much that they'd go out of the way to do well at them.

Since we're never going to do well for these surveys using campaigns, I have a solution that works. Get a bunch of "polite" people to shadow the surveyors so that when they drop their books all these "model citizens" would rush in to help. That way we'll score high, we can remain the apathetic citizens we are and we save money on campaigns.

Don't worry about the moral implications of faking surveys. Everyone knows that surveys aren't that reliable anyway. They're just good for conning the ignorant, which is just about anyone overseas when it comes to Singapore. Voila! How come no one ever thought of this?

Frenzied betters play God

Humans on their own are usually insignificant, but they all have one similarity. They all like to play god. Nowhere is this more evident then at a World Cup, an event long on irrational fervour and short on rational logic. For the one thing bigger than the World Cup itself is the World Cup betting frenzy.

Do you seriously think this world cup would be so big if there weren't obscene amounts of money being wagered on the outcomes of every match, on whether certain teams would score a certain amount of goals? Humans all like to think they know better. I see people doing stupid things like putting hundreds on matches, only to tell me after the match that they should have known better. Well, sorry, but I thought you did.

Even thinking that putting money on matches will win you money in the long run is just stupid, Just think about it, if betting were a money-losing business, (I.E. you will always win money so the betting houses would lose theirs), would there be so many betting houses around? Would the government actually want to legalise gambiling even at the cost of their squeaky clean public image? Money has a way of making people give up their moral values. Actually any form of a carrot can do that if you're narrow-minded enough.

You want proof? Live for a week in a certain ISP platoon in a certain signal battalion and watch how people fight for offs and other petty advantages. Morals go out of the window. The devil would be proud.

If I had the money I would start a betting house too. Before I can even open the door of my new shop hundreds of people would be rushing to throw their cash at me, then spend the next few days scrimping and saving just to throw more cash at me. What a life. I won't even be able to enjoy the money you people are throwing at me fast enough before more will be thrown at me again. Then I'll open a few more shops and the number of people throwing cash at me would increase tenfold. Soon I'll start New SingPools and the number would increase to national proportions. I would then pay Gurkhas or African child soldiers to serve in the SAF. They are fitter and more motivated for the same amount of cash. And I wouldn't have to serve reservist, which is just a 10-day or so kopi-drinking exercise.

Yes my dear OC, my attitude may be bad but I'm not here by choice. I would however recommend my Gurkha or African brethen to you. They would really love to take my place, which I would be so willing to give, to essentially do nothing for a living while still being able to enjoy the privilege of reporting sick too! And they even get lots of off days! If only in the signal formation. Its a win-win situation, something I've learnt from my secondary school days which still guides me to this day.

Allow me now to take a 5 minute break to expunge my disgust and suspend my disbelief. Oops!

But not serving in the army is all a conjecture and a fantasy. Till someone gives me enough cash to start my own betting house.

But back to my topic, it is seriously dumb that people still want to place money in bets. I guess humans like to go for the short term high where you feel vindicated for thinking you knew better, while losing money in the long run. Probability shows that you will probably win a few times in placing bets. but probability also shows that you can never win money in the long run from bets. You'd be better sitting on your cash and not touching it. How can people claim to pass A-level maths and not know this? Its just something about humans that still puzzles me.

Travelling

It takes some getting used to living on two sides of an island. In the ancient past when ancient villagers lived on islands, I'm pretty sure they didn't traverse from one end of the island to the other without good reason. For one its a pain getting from one end to the other, unless your island is the "cartoon" island, the one with one coconut tree and one unlucky marooned guy often depicted in cartoons.

Which reminds me, people like to ask others the question of what'd they'd bring if they were suddenly marooned on a deserted island. People tend to say stuff like the most beautiful lady in the world, a book, an mp3 player or whatever. I can tell you these people are either really stupid or just horny. The first thing I'd bring is a working auto-roaming handphone with GPS. The second would probably be a spare battery for that phone. The third would be another spare battery. You get the idea. Only idiots would choose to actually continue staying on that island. You can't eat coconuts forever, nor would you want to.

Back to the topic of travelling cross-island, as much of a pain as it is travelling around in an MRT, I still have to do it to get home from camp. However last friday the trip home on the MRT proved a little different. While I was daydreaming on the MRT this large extended family came in and sat on the row of seats opposite me. Well, it would have been just another family had it not been for this one little girl with two ponytails who just refused to sit still. One moment she would be climbing the metal pole, and the next moment she'd be hanging by her hands on the overhead handles and swinging around. Sometimes she would look at her own reflection in the wall and shake her head while making monkey faces at herself. Otherwise she would be swopping seats with the rest of her family members. If there ever was a tireless ball of energy I think she would be close to it.

I watched her antics with a sense of amusement and a tinge of sadness. The amusement probably stemmed from the fact that I was getting a free circus show from a very enthusiastic performer who never stopped laughing and smiling. The sadness probably came from the realisation that I was once a little kid like this girl who swung round the poles and ran helter-skelter from end to end of the train, laughing and carefree as I did so.

Somewhere along that line I became more reserved till I wouldn't be caught dead doing what this girl was doing, although there was this part of me that really wanted to play along like this little girl. It seems that as one grows up, one gets robbed out of a very basic need to just have fun. Why does it even seem wrong to enjoy one of life's simplest joys, to do what the heart wants? Its as though that as one grows up, one forgets how to have fun, however much we know about time being money and making pots of it.

The thing I noted about this family was, no matter how much of a "disturbance" this girl was, her parents never once stepped in to stop her, only watching from the sides to make sure she didn't get hurt. The amazing thing was, nobody seemed to mind the girl either, despite the fact that she was definitely quite prominent. The family didn't seem to care whether their face would be lost because of their little girl, like the typical chinese family. To them it was more important that their little girl was happy. And surprisingly, it was the same case for the rest of the occupants in the cabin, although people were giving up their peaceful rides for her. Maybe the occupants were just bochap, but I think there was more than that. It gave me a lot to think about.

The end of my teenage years, on the cusp of adulthood

Reality hits hardest when you don't want to believe it. In my mind I'm still a teenager but with a 2 in front of my age in the tens place I have to accept that I'll never be one again. Not that age has anything to do with one's behaviour. It just isn't true that people get wiser as they get older. They just get older. The wiser part is optional.

Getting back to the topic, seeing that I'm now officially older, I'm supposed to do frightening things like planning, commitment and decisions that I never thought about because it always seems that these were adult stuff. Whew. Before you know it you're already in it. I am actually responsible for "shaping the world in time to come". A huge mouthful and definitely a hyperbole in every sense of the word. I think I'll be quite satisfied if I get through my daily routine without meeting any of the unholy trinity of bootlickers, hypocrites and anals.

I tried to defy my age and go back into time but I find that I am getting more distant with the teenagers of this age. They communicate in intelligible gibberish in their sms-es which I can read but I don't enjoy reading. I can understand them using words like "biatch" because it feels better to call a bitch a "bee-yatch". It has that kick about it.

But when your whole sms is full of words like "hv" "2moro" and "cn" and long abbreviations (an oxymoron) like roflmao and worse examples that I can't recall as of now, it is just tedious. Can you believe they actually summarise Shakespeare into sms langugage in London? Its a good thing he isn't alive anymore as that would be the equivalent of using the canvas of the Mona Lisa as toilet paper. I really think he'd die a second time.

In addition I find that this generation seems to enjoy sleeping around. Well to some teens that might seem like heaven, but I can tell you I'm not really comfortable with it. I think I might be one of the last surviving members of a generation that was taught only how to "window shop" It seems the in thing now is "trying for size".

It must have something to do with rising affluence. Just as people try their clothes for size, now they do the same with their boyfriends and girlfriends. Its all about having more choice isn't it? I guess this generation will have less excuse to claim that they were cheated after "making their choice", in a warped way. However it seems that the returning of "unsatisfactory goods" to the market is also becoming in vogue, when people of the past would just pretend that the clothes they bought actually fit, or try to cut them down to size. Well, I guess its all in the package.

Trying to act older than I actually am doesn't work either. The people older than me all seem like they have seen better days. I don't think I want to go down that very weathered and depressing path. It has an effect on your quality of life. In any case, I'll rather be younger than older, because I'm just not ready to do adult stuff like commitment, planning and decisions. Oh who am I kidding. I should try my best not to end up anal, bootlicking or hypocritical.

So while I mull over this topic, I shall do the thing NSFs do best. Slacking.

Poisonball.

Life is a bitch. Just when you thought that the good days have come, life always finds a way to shake up that comfortable reality and tear it apart.

The National Day Parade is an annual event that chokes people up with fervent patroitism. Unfortunately, when it comes to becoming part of that parade, no one is anywhere near that keen. People don't really love Singapore that much when it isn't 9 august. The fact that participation in the parade means no weekends off for 3 months and endless afternoons frying under the sun on cow manure doesn't help either.

Unfortunately, the marching robots have to come from somewhere. In this case, my company was only too honoured to accept. When my company accepts shit, the shit hits the fan, and next thing you know my platoon is always somewhere in that mess. As part of the company, I admit that we should contribute. There's only one major problem. Only one unlucky guy is needed.

Can you imagine the situation? Its like a game of poison ball. Nobody wants the poison, and once they get it they just throw it across the room and into the arms of their best friend. Claws start coming out, and next thing you know everyone is only too happy to do their bunkmates in. And they say that the army forges lifelong friendships. All you need is something like this and immediately all friendships are negated, as long as you aren't THE ONE.

My platoon spent two hours in a room drawing lots, bickering over the results, and in the end getting a guy with a knee problem to be THE ONE. I'm pretty sure this is not the end of the situation, because they will quickly realise that he's unsuitable. A few more such episodes and I'm pretty sure that we'll have trouble sleeping in the same room.

Here's the second episode. At 12 midnight, when everyone was getting ready to sleep, we suddenly received news of a turnout. Its ok for me because I sleep late anyway, but only too bad for those guys with guard duty the next day. 7 hours of sleep? Stupid hypocritical organisation. But that wasn't the main beef. The main beef came after the turnout, when my platoon and another platoon were drawn aside, and informed that someone lost something really valuable.

In no uncertain terms, we were told that if someone really took it, he should quietly "have a conscience", turn the item over and the matter would be closed. Indirectly, I inferred that he was referring to us. When there are two platoons in one company and they aren't on good terms, any misfortune one has is immediately attributed to the other. But to be honest, any guy who is careless enough to leave something valuable unguarded for the time span of a WHOLE DAY can only blame himself for his loss. If someone was willing to risk stealing it, why would he return it? Sadly, it seems that with a potential thief in our midst, life can only get worse till we catch that little rat.

It sure ain't easy being green. Its great to be out.

Counting down to my ORD

A long time ago when I was a nice little kid, my parents used to tell me that when you go to school you must study hard, get into a good school, get a good job, and make your mark in society. Then I went into the army.

Just what am I getting at? I'm just hinting that perhaps somewhere along that line parents should tell their little boys the truth. Little boys will study hard, get into a good school, join the army, become servile and brainless, come out, and end up in a dead end job doing all the work while their bosses scratch their butt cracks and flirt with the secretary.

But that's a reality too scary to entertain isn't it? No parent would ever want to lie to their children, but sometimes they need to protect their young ones. Not that the reality hits them any less hard when it does.

I always thought that school sucked, that there was too much to study, too little sleep and teachers from hell. Now I have nothing to study, too much sleep, but I'm really in hell. The irony isn't lost on me.

I actually want to do tutorials. I think JC students the country over would whack me with their thick stacks of undone tutorials. (I was a JC student once, a normal one who never finished all their tutorials)

But I would get the last laugh when these idiots get their turn and replace this one sad little sucker. Hahaha. It will sure be a long laugh. Two years running to be exact. But until then, its one more day and another day after that till I see that pink card again.

The opposition rally.

Yesterday I went to an opposition rally at Choa Chu Kang. Yes there is such a thing as an opposition in Singapore, as unbelievable as it sounds.

I was there because I was seriously bored with nothing better to do along with 4 other people from my platoon. It seems that rallies are the in thing these days, with everyone attending rallies everywhere from Ang Mo Kio to Tampines.

The first thing I noticed about the rally was how many people there were. With almost no opposition MPs in parliament, the last thing you'd expect for the opposition is support. However, it seems that there is plenty of it, just that the votes don't reflect it. That same uncle you see shouting himself hoarse with opposition slogans could be that very same uncle who crosses the box for the white-clad lightning gods come May 6.

Oh well, this is Singapore. We aren't exactly known for wearing our hearts on our sleeves, or anywhere else for that matter. The only time when you see Singaporeans show any signs of passion would be at that sale down the road, after the 4D results, or when you suddenly get a few hundred dollars in your bank near elections.

The rally wasn't actually anything much, but it was quite interesting observing the people at the rallies. Everytime something that wasn't politically correct came out, everyone would go like "Yeah!". I just wished that there would be more of such stuff, but I don't want to see more people in jail or bankrupted. I was also quite interested on how the media would twist the stuff I heard to make it appear different in the news. I was disappointed on that aspect though, as the media actually reported the rally quite accurately. They must be commended. It must have been very difficult doing that.

As a matter of fact, I've stopped reading the papers these few days because its seriously so chock full of election propaganda and other bullshit that I don't want to read anymore lest I get a serious case of depression if all the stuff being promised doesn't actually materialise. And what's with the Gomez issue anyway? Is any more ink and paper wasted on Mr. Gomez going to feed me for the next 5 years? I'm more interested in how much more they're going to raise bus fares, not whether some guy was trying to "wayang".

I find it even more hilarious that our PM claims we need a first world opposition, then turns tail a few days later and says that more opposition MPs make it difficult for him in parliament. So do you want an opposition or not? Will the presence of a few less yes-men make you unable to work? I thought a PM of all people should be more capable than that. Do you see Tony Blair complaning that he doesn't have 95% of the seats in parliament? I don't think so.

The interview with MM Lee.

It seems that now the current rage in the news is about THAT interview with the Minister Mentor of Singapore the esteemed Mr. Lee. According to what I have read there is a difference in the sentiments of the pre and post-65ers about the way questions were asked to the MM, with some saying that the young were rude, and did not respect the MM enough.

Well I watched that interview myself, and while I think that the young participants certainly didn't mince their words, I think it made for healthy discourse! Since when was a political discussion not a fiery affair anyway? I think Singaporeans have become so accustomed to seeing walkovers that they forgot that political debates are meant, and should always, be heated. I mean, there are two opposing viewpoints for goodness sakes! Do you expect one side to just meekly roll over and die? The fact that the young didn't hold back is also good as we need people to ask the uncomfortable questions. If you aren't interested in asking the uncomfortable questions why bother to ask? I don't believe anyone likes listening to cliched answers.

However, I like to point out something to our generation. Stop harping on and on about political freedom and freedom of speech and the need for an opposition unless you know what that entails and you are willing to sacrifice coming out of your comfort zone for it. It is just like our generation to jump on the bandwagon to embrace the "hip westernised ideals" of free speech, political opposition and other democratic slogans without knowing exactly what they are. You think America is the ideal? I think you haven't seen just what American politics is all about. Its all about money. I think the voters there have seriously less voter influence than the big corporations, despite all their democratic institutions. Think about this. Who pays for the campaigns? Who do you think the president will please first? That big energy corporation or your animal rights movement?

I bet if you ask any spiky haired teenager about politics, he'll probably say PAP sucks without knowing why, and just how it does. While I acknowledge that the PAP is not perfect, no party is and the way I look at it Singapore is not ready for a two party system just yet. Everyone is still perfectly comfortable with the PAP doing everything for them, but instead of saying so they say they are "afraid" that something will happen if they vote for the opposition. Bullshit. The truth is people are afraid of change and what that may bring. This is why I feel Singapore is still not ready for a two-party system. If you think differently, let your vote reflect it, or better still, contest if you think you have what it itakes.

However, I found one point made by the MM mildly disturbing. He says that politics is not all about voting, and it should best be left to a few good and capable people. While I acknowledge that politics is not all about voting, I absolutely disagree that it should only be left in the hands of a few people. When you leave power in the hands of a few, it corrupts. One only needs to look as far as NKF to see just how it does. Absolute power corrupts in such a way that even checks and balances put in place will fail. This is why I still believe that voting is essential, and that if possible politics should be in the back of the mind of every citizen, with a real avenue for everyone to contribute rather than soak up everything like a sponge the way Singapore is run now. Don't tell me about the feedback unit and speaker's corner. I think we take the cake for the worst attempts at political discourse ever.

Government decides this and that. We just follow like mindless sheep. How safe is that for Singapore really? While I respect MM Lee for all he has done, he will not be the one leading Singapore the next 50 years. The political scene can only change and I can only wonder if Singapore is ready for that.

To Redpony: To point one finger at others is to point four others at yourself.

In the papers a few days back I read about some guy in a "Maple Story" forum who said something about JC students being smarter than poly students and about how poly students were dumb because they couldn't make the cutoff for JCs. I think his name was "redpony" or something like that.

Before I continue I would like to stress that I do not agree with his view. I'm not trying to be politcally correct here. I seldom am because being politically correct is boring and I already do it on an unwilling basis in real life. Don't you just want to tell people how idiotic they are sometimes?

Anyway, I have good reasons for not agreeing with Mr. Redpony.

In Singapore, I think we've been brainwashed to think in a one tracked way. As in kid goes to good schools, then goes to good university, gets high paying job in some super firm, gets the chicks and fast cars, becomes a man in white, takes over the world. Ok, so maybe I exaggerated a little at the last part. A man in white only controls 697 metres square. (Figure increasing due to land reclamation)

In reality that doesn't happen. A thousand things can go one way or the other, and without considering all the possibilities, one would not be able to call another stupid without sounding retarded himself. Which was exactly what this brainwashed mule did.

The problem with just assuming that because I went to a JC I'm smarter than you is, how do you define smarter? Are you smarter just because you know what potassium permanganate is and he doesn't? No, you just know what potassium permanganate is.

Or is it because you can do math better than him? No, that just means that you are better at math than he is. And in a thousand other ways, I can show you that there is no real conclusive way to prove that you are smarter than another person just based on a series of tests that you can study for. It is, if I may say so, just pure regurgitation of useless information that I forget 2 months later. I went through that system too. Don't tell me I don't know what the O levels are like. I can even tell you what the A levels are like you "oh I am so smart" JC student.

I can honestly tell you that people in polytechnics aren't necessarily smarter or dumber. They just see things differently, or they don't like mugging. Obviously there will be the odd one out that makes me rethink whether they really are stupid, but for every one such poly guy there is also one such JC guy around. E.g. Redpony. Its never right to generalise, unless you're calling your boss an idiot. You're almost always right on that one.

Another problem with the whole smart concept? So what if you are smart? It doesn't mean that you'll succeed in life, especially since you don't know how to use your "smartness" in the right places. Flaming people on a "Maple Story" forum? Why don't you go figure out a way to get the next Nobel Prize instead, or start up the next BreadTalk or Creative? Or if you really can't do any of the above, become a man in white?

You may be smart, but that doesn't mean that 30 years down the road you won't be that pitiful old man sweeping the road, or in some jail somewhere. Smartness doesn't mean anything. Its what you do with it. If you don't succeed in life, how smart you are doesn't mean shit. You're a JC student. Don't you take General Paper? If you think in such simple and childish terms, you probably don't do well in GP. How's that for a smart JC student?

Technological dumbasses.

Ever seen two people in the same area talking to each other using their handphones? I thought the digital and technology revolution was a result of humans getting smarter and being able to invent new stuff to enhance their standards of living. This was the first time I actually saw an obvious example of technology making people stupider.

Hello? The person you're talking to is just 5 metres in front of you. Is there any need to use the handphone? Why don't you just cancel the call, save your money, then walk across and talk to the person?

You might be wondering how I knew these 2 idiots were talking to each other. Well here's how. In addition to using their handphones, these 2 idiots were making HAND-SIGNALS at each other. That's like really stupid. Ok, the logical reasoning part of my brain tells me that maybe they have a reason for doing so. However my common sense tells me that anything they want to explain to each other could be done much easier if they were face-to-face.

The only reason I can think of is that these 2 people probably don't want to be seen together. Granted they were both guys and in the aftermath of the movie "Brokeback Mountain" two guys talking to each other in close proximity could be misconstrued to mean that they were ass-loving cowboys. But this is Singapore for goodness sake. Even if that were true it would be ass-loving schoolboys. But that is just sick and I don't want to go there.

Or maybe they were conducting some shady business for rival companies. But using hand signals to tell the whole world that you're communicating isn't exactly a good way to do it. Neither is communicating in close proximity. If you didn't want to be seen together you've already failed. Its hard for me not to see both of you when you are just 5 metres apart, and using your hands to wave to each other.

Or maybe they are really rich and they want to show the world that they have money to burn. "I'm only 5 metres from my friend and I'm using a handphone!"

In that case they are dumber than I thought. Making their own lives difficult for themselves to show off in a way that only warped minds like mine would notice. I won't tell them I noticed though. Cannot give them the satisfaction in being stupid. They would only get worse. Other people might wish so but I'm too nice to want more stupid people in this world than there already are. I believe in intellectual empowerment.

Yeah right. Bullshit. I don't want more stupid people if only because they might block up the emergency door in the event of a fire.

The bell and the fast food chain.

You know that bell they hang outside long john silvers branches around town that you ring if you think they provide good service? Many branches have already removed it because no one rings it. I think its partly because nobody wants to look stupid ringing the bell, and also partly because fast-food chains aren't exactly renowned for their service.

Well no matter. Today I saw some people ringing it as a practical joke. There was this group of 3 guys walking out of the restaurant. When the first guy walked beside the bell, one of his friends quickly pulled the bell giving the guy an earful of "good service".

I've never seen someone so pissed about good service before. Hilarious.

I'm also guilty of a little fooling around with that bell. There's this LJS at the Singpost HQ in Paya Lebar that I went to once. If you ring the bell there some guy inside will say "Thank you". I think they're supposed to do that. So I rang the thing, waited for the person to say "Thank you", then I stepped out. 5 seconds later I did the same thing. And again 10 seconds later. I finally stopped because everyone in the restaurant was looking at me, as though I was some retard like Mr. Bean. Can't Singaporeans take a little joke?

My edible selective guilt.

I'm guilty of selective guilt. I think everyone is guilty of selective guilt in one way or another. So here's my selective guilt. I'm guilty of thinking certain animals are more pitiful when they are used as food as compared to other animals just because they aren't mainstream chow fodder.

I first realised this when I went to Geylang to eat a few months back while on a cycling trip. Let me make one thing clear though, people do go to Geylang to eat. Its what they do after they eat that separates them. For example going for a walk through Lorongs 10 to 12. I did that but its was for sightseeing only. No kidding. I wouldn't be able to get laid anyway because I'm a broke NSF.

I actually chose not to eat the frog legs that were the speciality of the restaurant because I thought the frogs were pitiful, when I thought nothing of eating chicken, fish or pork before. After the meal though, I realised that I was very wrong to have done that because if I wanted to pity those poor animals, I shouldn't be a hypocrite and pity them only because they aren't mainstream chow, like the poor chickens. It should be an animal-wide thing.

Thinking from another angle though, animals are there to be eaten. I mean mother nature put them there so that the ones at the top of the food chain survive right? So there should not be any pity actually because the frog has actually fulfilled its life purpose. Well, at least one of two anyway, the other being raising a family. The frog should actually thank us for giving its life meaning, although that's a little warped. Thanking your murderer? That's pure sado-masochism. Yucks.

I think the frog probably doesn't give a shit whether its life has meaning anyway. Its only us humans that are so particular with our grandiose fantasies of making the world a better place.
The frogs know better. Just live your life for the moment before your time is up.

Shoot them screechers.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them dead. A cliche but nevertheless true.

In this category would be people who sing horribly but want the whole world to know it. When someone actually tells them the truth, they begin on their pitiful denounciations on how people "can't recognise talent" when its all actually their wounded pride speaking. Its even funnier when these losers say that we'd be eating our words when they come out with their records and everyone will be taken by storm.

Ha ha. If even people who can sing well can't sell albums, what makes you think you can? If I had a lot of money I'd actually help these people cut an album, watch the albums flop spectacularly, then put them in work camps till they repay the cost I've incurred.

Alternatively I'd offer them to the police to crack up tough guy criminals during interrogations. I'm sure the criminals will be sobbing and begging for mercy after one rendition of "My heart will go on". And on. And on and on till you give up.

If you didn't believe in talent contests then why did you take part? And wait like a million hours for ten minutes of fame or infamy? At least do a William Hung and entertain us.

Oh wait, I hate that guy. He's only so successful because he's chinese. If he were white I think the whites would have shut him out long ago. They just like a chinese novelty who sounds and looks bad to convince themselves of their superiority. In other words, he's a chinese clown who makes a mockery of all chinese. I think that its in very bad taste. Can you imagine if we had a white guy in China called William Hank who sang so badly that he became famous?

But then again, he'd never make it big because he'd be killed by music piracy. If there's anything the chinese are good at, its making money at others' expense.

I vote to hang the hung. Someone ought to tell him what everyone has known all along. You can't sing for nuts. Stop being a shame to all chinese.

The theory of evolution, my style

The theory of evolution, my style.

I have come out with an evolution theory. The best part about it is that it involves almost no science at all, unless you really consider the dating game to be a science. Speaking of which I know people who actually think that the whole dating process and its subsequent selection of a mate is totally based on scientific factors that can be evaluated. Well, what can I say but happy experimenting! Can you imagine the pickup lines?

Wow, it must be 40 degrees celsius out in this atmosphere today. Do you mind if I buy you some ethanol?

Bleargh.

Anyway what I am talking about here how the chinese became short.

The real reason is that because chinese guys have an oversized ego, they refuse to choose someone who is taller than them, hence they always go for shorter girls. If guys keep going for shorter girls, then the average will keep decreasing.

You know what happens? Over a few generations, the chinese offspring become shorter and shorter, and soon, voila, the whole race becomes short! So to buck this trend, we guys should start going for taller girls so that in a few generations we will be as tall as ang mohs through some selection theory I learnt in biology class all those years ago.

However, the truth of the whole matter is, there is no way we chinese guys will go for taller girls. If we did we would not be chinese. Thanks to all that mumbo jumbo about the male being the head of the family, we have been throughly brainwashed since young and would probably crumble if we were not at least one head above our other halves. Which is quite tough for some of us are not that tall ourselves, thanks to the huge egos of our forefathers before us. But thankfully for us, its across the board. The girls get shorter too. Someday we will probably all be midgets but at least the chinese ego remains intact.

In the future, the word for short might become the word "chinese". "Like hey there you chinese guy! You're so chinese I can't see you!"

Africans around the world will be relieved. They aren't the only invisibles anymore.

The store run.

When the army tells you that they're going to do a routine store run, don't expect something like a simple grab and run. A routine store run basically means we need something we don't have, and we go somewhere to borrow it and we return. So it can be simplified into need, go, take, return, four easy steps. You'll be surprised how these 4 easy steps can easily become like 12 steps.

I was working halfway on some exercise setup when I suddenly got arrowed for the routine store run. I didn't even have time to take cover. I had just returned from the mid-day parade and next thing I knew I'd been shot with an arrow right in the ass. I couldn't even deflect it because there wasn't anyone else to deflect it to. Note here to superiors in a certain signal battalion. We need more bloody conscripts!13 men and 5 specs does not add up to 60 no matter how you look at it. And we're not a permanent duty platoon. Just because we don't have enough people to do anything doesn't mean that we can do everything else.

Anyway, in a few moments we were ready to go for our store run. Here's how the 4 steps became 12.

Step 1: Knowing roughly what we need, we gather at the company office to wait for a driver and vehicle to take us for our store run.

Step 2: We find out that there aren't ANY drivers. The drivers who are supposed to be free are making unauthorised home runs, and all the other drivers have IPPT later. However, there is a vehicle. It is a cause for joy. We just saved 2 hours. Company orderly sarge (COS) starts calling for last resort drivers.

Step 3: We wait around for half an hour for a driver to appear out of smoke. Finally we get one. Apparently his off got voided. Happiness.

Step 4: We head for our destination, and reach it 30 minutes later. We park the vehicle, turn off the engine, and change our passes. Upon our return, we try to start the tonner and find out that the vehicle has broken down. The thing is like 30 years old man. Maybe we should consider umm... scrapping it? Buy some new tonners!

Step 5: We head off on a pilgrimage to find a mechanic who can save us out of our sorry fate. We're extremely lucky that the place is located on a hill with a 15 degree incline, and its a 20 minute walk upslope.

Step 6: We reach the MT line. The mechanic hears about our plight. Driver then calls and says that the tonner is now ok. Miracles do happen, however ridiculous. Unfortunately we're 20 minutes away from the tonner. We tell the driver to drive to our halfway point to meet up.

Step 7: Tonner reaches halfway point. Unable to clear the checkpoint as the driver has lost his pass. What the fark. Tonner goes back to the start point.

Step 8: We decide to wait for another friend to pick us up instead of walking another 10 minutes. The friend arrives 30 minutes later, but just zooms by us like we're invisible. Which was quite impressive considering that we were waving at him and wearing green against a white background.

Step 9: We walk out of camp. Apparently the friend has already made the run for us. We search the stuff in the tonner and find the missing pass. However we find out that we need to go to another camp to get more stuff. Like I said its never so simple.

Step 10: We head to new camp. On the way, some punk in a sports car cuts our lane and shouts "fuck you!" accompanied by the obligatory middle finger. Look out for a clown driving a champagne green convertible around the upper bukit timah area. Highly entertaining. Too bad he's gay and goes for NSFs. Unless you have that kind of taste. In that case stay away from me.

Step 11: We reach the second camp. We pick up our second set of stores. We leave camp.

Step 12: We get lost on our way back. We end up in some industrial area trying to enter the expressway from a dead end till the driver realises he's driven to the wrong place. We eventually reach our own camp 45 minutes later. The routine run took 5 hours when it should have taken like 2?

All this because of one stupid arrow.

Sell or sell not.

There are many ways people try to sell things to you. However, here are some bad examples.

Sometimes, they use the hard sell. However, this method really sucks because no one likes being under duress or to feel like they're being forced to do something they don't want to. You don't believe me? Take for example the salesmen that knock on your door or telemarketers. Who gives a shit right?

Other times, they use campaigns. Anyone caught the ridiculously lame road courtesy ad recently? The one that goes something like "pass it on, pass it on". I can tell you no one is going to pass it on. If anything people are more likely to be passing on. Let me put it this way. If I'm a taxi driver and I need to earn as much money as possible in a short amount of time, there's no way I'm going to give way to you just so that you can cut into my lane and slow me down. So when no one wants to give way, something, or more unfortunately, someone gives. I cringe at that ad everytime I see that smiling taxi driver. It just doesn't happen ok?

Alternatively, they use advertisements. Recently they've been heavily promoting this certain "fan-tastic burger" that is supposed to be really fantastic. Unfortunately, they made a huge boo-boo in the casting of the ad. They used an auntie as the female lead. I'm not kidding. Go look at the auntie in yellow dancing, or rather, trying to dance along with the young guys around her. And she's not even auntie in a way that would appeal to heartlanders, like your friendly neighbourhood ah soh. She's looks more like a 30-ish ah lian trying to act like a 20 year old. What a turn-off.

Another way they use is the human touch. Just recently I encountered such an example. A short pudgy and balding middle-aged man tried to sell me insurance. What worse combination could you get? A short, pudgy, balding, middle-aged guy trying to sell insurance to an NSF. That's a whopping total of seven factors that work against the probability of a sale. I don't care how good your pitch is. I just don't want to know. Firstly, you aren't female. Secondly, I don't have enough cash for you to play around with. Thirdly, don't waste my bookout time you shitass.

Fark. Why am I wasting my time. You know how to convince people, or more specifically Singaporeans? What are Singaporeans best known for? Yes, kiasi and kiasu. If you want to convince Singaporeans, you must convince them that by not doing something they'll 1) die or be in deep shit, or 2) lose out to other people.

Singaporeans hate to get in trouble. We like to think that as long as nothing happens we are safe and happy. The government knows this very well. Which is why they put in fines and rules and whatever other random nonsense to make sure that no one disturbs the peace and if anyone does he or she is locked away or fined till kingdom come. It is working fine, but unfortunately this method will not work for the man on the street because he is nowhere as omnipotent as the government. So we shall leave it at that. Before you get any ideas I love the government k?

The other method would of course be to appeal to the kiasu-ness of Singaporeans. Here's an example. "Buy two get one free". You could use this on almost anything. Even when people only need one of an item, they will still buy two just to get that extra one, because its "just in case" and anyway, its free right?

Another example on that method. Put up a sign, banner or whatever that says "SALE!". You win. Its so foolproof its almost dumb that people don't use it all the time. Wait, some people do. I've seen this shop that has had a clearance sale for like 6 months already. Its still going strong. At this rate it might never need to clear out after all!

The computer zonks out.

Dammit I'm pissed. I just spent like two hours trying to configure like farking MSN messenger on my new computer but somehow it just won't let me sign in. I tried like everything they offered in Help and the problem just sat there, looking back at me. Its all the more frustrating because I know that one stupid sign-in screen lies between me and my friends.

I think its pretty much a given that people generally expect computer programs to work, and when they don't people can get ballistic pretty fast. It doesn't help that computer programs will typically offer you help that is full of computer jargon that is thus, not very helpful at all. So when you have a situation where nothing works, you start cursing Bill Gates, Microsoft, the government, your boss, and whatever is within range.

A typical error message on MSN messenger will probably go like error code 8-------, which is some random 8 digit number that I can't really be bothered to remember because I don't do 4D or Toto and also because it has 8 freaking digits. On principle I don't bother remembering 8-digit numbers. You have a phone for that purpose. Use it.

This is why I hate computer programs. No matter how useful they are, when they decide to fark up on you, they can fark you pretty bad. And it always seems to fark up at the worst possible moments, like before you have to hand in your final draft of an assignment or just before you save your work. To be fair the computer has probably already given you like 1000 hours of perfectly glitch-free operation but we chinese have this saying.

"It takes 10 years to build up a good reputation but one day to lose it."

No one remembers you for the good stuff you do. They only remember how you tore your pants while trying to do stretches during PE or how you misplaced your only copy of your project just minutes before your presentation. Same case for your computer programs, unfortunately.

Speaking of bad reps, I think everyone has heard of the infamous tammy from NYP sex scandal. I really think she's really unfortunate but when you choose to record such stuff on your phone there's always that risk. There are always going to be thousands of horny people around who will wank to a sex video that's no holds barred, free, and most of all local. Singaporeans are horny farkers. Ever been to Geylang Lorong 10 or 12? I'd advise all self-respecting girls never to go there if you don't want to be felt up like goods on sale.

Its just that they're more discreet. Which actually translates to I act like a civilised person but we all know the truth, you're a farking gorilla in heat. Its just that we don't talk about it like its some kind of unspoken agreement. Its more like *hint* see you later in Geylang.

So the poor girl is utterly traumatised and everything. All I can say is wait like 1 year or so and all will be forgotten, or some other stupid girl will lose her phone and relieve you of your "burden". I hope that that doesn't happen but stupidity and carelessness are infinite as long as humans exist. It will happen. And it'll probably be sooner rather than later.

Cheer up all you sad little lost sheep.

One thing I've noticed about youths nowadays is how they have huge self-esteem problems. That case is especially evident among Singapore's youth. Everyone wishes they had better grades, more money, better looks, that hot girl or guy you saw yesterday, so on and so forth.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a perfectly normal person and I do spend time wishing that I had all of the above too. But there must be an end all to this. I'm also able to realise how fortunate I am to be living in a country where I still can blog like this online without worrying about where I'll be sleeping tonight or eating later. The only gripe I have is how I've been locked up for one year plus now serving my country by doing nothing. Hey, I'm doing nothing but I'm earning money! Why don't you let me go home and do my own stuff so that I'm doing something AND earning money?

But even that will end... someday.

I think you've heard people whine about how they hate their A lvl results cos they didn't get 4As, or how they are so sad that they didn't get into OCS and they feel so inferior to their officer friends. I didn't get both and I don't care! I've met so many people who are really envious of my non-perfect results, because they are actually quite good to most people. For your information it was two As and two Bs. And an A1 in GP. And I'm currently serving as a man in 3rd signal battalion. Life's quite good there, and I've made many friends that I may not have made somewhere else.

My life is too short to worry about such nonsense and anyway it won't matter in a few years. Do you still care about your O lvl results? If you do you have a serious personality problem called insecurity and an inferiority complex.

The thing about insecurity is this: Its a freaking vicious cycle you asses. No one is going to pity you just because you think you're so pitiful. And the more you do it, the more people don't want to go near you.
People don't like negative people because they make themselves feel sad, when most of the time there is no real reason to feel so other than because the other person feels insecure. What the hell right? Don't believe me? After listening to someone's pathetic gripes about their pathetic lives, go get an ice-cream or watch a good movie. Final Destination 3 does not count unless you like watching stupid people die. Actually that's quite cathartic. Ok, you should watch that.

After that, you'll wonder why you felt so bad in the first place. Then you'll realise, it was that sorry ass you were talking to just now. And you'll probably steer clear of the person unless you genuinely want to help that person see the light.

The worst thing is, because this person is insecure, he/she scares people off, he/she has less friends, he/she feels even MORE insecure, and the cycle continues. My advice to such people is, start believing that you're deserve better and you'll be much happier. Everyone digs confident and humourous people. Of course it helps if you aren't an NSF. And don't bullshit me about how you look like shit and all that. You aren't disfigured, neither do you have a second nose or hair on your teeth.

I also find it almost ridiculous why people choose to put up with their life if they don't like it just to avoid conflict, while causing tremendous pain to themselves. Of course my attitude has got me into more trouble than I'd like in the past, but at least I'm happy about it. Just this friday my platoon commander said that when he first met me he badly wanted to punch me in the face. You know, I think its a compliment because it shows that I don't suffer idiots. Oops.

I might seem obnoxious but you must fight for yourself in this stupid world where idiots rule. Look at George W. Bush. WMDs in Iraq? Hello? Or how about his deputy, oh-I'm-so-sorry-I-shot-my-hunting-partner Cheney. You know what I mean.

At least my PC was honest enough to add that his impression of me changed after a while. Because if it didn't then maybe I'm really am an obnoxious idiot. Or maybe he's just a poor judge of character. If I really were an obnoxious idiot I wouldn't have any friends would I? Like certain PCs I know... oh, I'm sorry but I just couldn't resist putting that in.

The thing about your life is, its your life. You can change it. If you don't want to do a particular course in university, go ahead and change it. Don't say your parents want you to because if you explain to them nicely that your future 50 years of happiness or so depend on your course and what you do in the future I think they love you enough to let you make a change. I already made one huge mistake by choosing science in JC because I thought my parents wanted me to do it when they were really ambivalent about it. So now I made my own choice.

As for people who are desperately seeking the ONE, the ONE is not going to come to you if you sit at home and wait. Go and look for him or her. Go do some shit. There's bound to be some nice person out there waiting to be picked like a fruit. Ok, maybe not like a fruit but I don't believe that you can't find someone nice among 6 billion people in the world.

Ok, its 6 billion minus 3 billion, cos whether you are straight or not you only go for one half. Out of that 3 billion you'll probably have to minus like 2.5 billion because they'll either be too old or too young. Out of that 0.5 billion you'll have to minus like 0.499 billion because they'll be unsuitable for you because they have hair in the wrong places, they look like your neighbour's dog or they have some real personality issues.

That still leaves like 0.001 billion! That's 1 million people leftover!

And I'm only asking you people to find 1. If you can't find the ONE, its because you're too picky or you aren't trying hard enough.

Stuck.

I think I've realised what people hate most. Having all this time to ruminate in the army, I've realised that it probably comes close to this. People hate being stuck in something and having no real way out of it in sight. But here's something even better. I've personally experienced a situation of being stuck in something and having no way out twice over in one situation. And before you write me off in disbelief, I shall show you how in one sentence.

Wanting to take a dump while in the army but not having any toilet paper in sight in the whole company line.

Now that is one super farked up situation. Firstly, you're already stuck in camp and sad enough about that. secondly, you feel constipated in every sense of the word. And it happened to me.

That fateful night, I was looking for an empty, clean and working toilet. In my camp, finding a toilet that works fine, is clean and not occupied is like striking a lottery, only that the chance of all 3 occuring at the same time is similar to that in a singaporean hawker centre. Its like some jackpot machine with 3 slots. 99% of the time you don't get it.

Howver, this time I was lucky enough to find one. Unfortunately, there wasn't any paper. I frantically checked all the cubicles. There weren't any either.
I checked all 4 levels of my company line and the result was the same. In one day, my company had somehow managed to exhaust like 15 rolls of toilet paper. But I guess it happened that day because of a cleanliness inspection earlier.

When people want something clean in the army, they mean so clean that they can't find a single speck of dust. In other words they want everything impossibly clean and since it is impossible, its just a good excuse for releasing that frustration they feel every morning after asking themselves why they signed on. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean you stop trying to clean the bunk because I like clean bunks and doubly because the staff sarge will probably smoke in the bunk and dirty it further. Jackass.

But anyway, the lack of toilet paper was becoming a real concern. Luckily for me, I was fortunate enough to find enough tissue paper from friends by asking around. The next morning, a friend of mine from another platoon asked me if there was any toilet paper. I heard he ended up using newspaper.

Now that I'm done with a stupid toilet episode, here's a stupider one. A few days back we had a practice shoot for range, or IMT. Since it wasn't at our camp, we had to take a bus to the venue. So we fall in early by 6am, expecting to see buses taking us to our destination so that we can practice shooting and become decisive soldiers of a decisive force. Ok, maybe that last part wasn't necessary but I thought the army was particularly proud of it and as a part of them I ought to spread their propaganda.

So we fall in, and guess what? There aren't enough buses! Apparently some idiot above thought that 190 people or so could fit in two buses, despite the fact that they split us into five different details for five buses! Maybe they've been involved in human smuggling, where you see people fit into the boot, under the bus and in all those secret compartments you never knew existed. Otherwise I don't see how its possible that anyone with half a brain would make an assumption that a bus that normally sits 40 can suddenly sit 95 people. Or maybe that's the crux of the issue. Idiots don't have brains.

So what does the army do when they make a mistake? If your answer was recitfy it immediately, you're wrong on two counts. Firstly, they don't rectify the problem immediately. Secondly, they start blaming people until someone accepts the blame and solves the problem.

Now we had a situation where about 100 people were unable to reach their destination. And in the army, when something goes wrong, someone must be blamed. So there commenced a session of finger-pointing and feigning ignorance and eventually one tonner appeared an hour later to carry some 50 people off. So there are still 50 people or so who still are going nowhere, including me. We eventually reached our destination, but 4 hours later.

However, the fact that such a situation existed spoke volumes about the efficiency of the army. That's one side of the army that you never see on TV.
The stupid thing is that the army you see on TV and the army I'm serving are two different armies. The one on TV doesn't exist, or if it does it definitely isn't Singapore's.

The television army uses high-tech computer gadgets, great organisational skills and well-trained soldiers to destroy its opponents. The real army can't even get its men to shooting practice on time. I have this gut feeling that they might forget to bring ammunition to the battlefield, and instead of bringing some immediately, they start blaming each other till the enemy shows up and pumps them all full of ammunition. Now that would be poetic justice.

Food, E.coli, Broccoli

"Eh, that piece of food drop on the floor more than 5 seconds already, cannot eat".

I'm sure you pple out there have heard something like this before. Or maybe you heard about its cousin, the 7-second rule. 2 more seconds to grab that food bit. Yay.

Well, is it true then? In this present day and age you would probably just Google "food 5-second rule". So I did, and I found out that it is apparently true. In a study, food picked up E.coli bacteria after 5 seconds.

So I guess the 5 second rule actually works. However, think about this. If food picks up E.coli from a cleaned and disinfected floor, then why not our plates and tables? And why not every other freaking surface on this planet? Why not from the atmosphere too while I'm at it?

Have you just realised how redundant this rule is? Oh, enlightenment!

My advice to you is this, if you really want to eat something off the floor, just do it because you won't die from it, and you'll satisfy your warped craving. While you're worrying about the E.coli on the floor, the E.coli on your plate is rolling all over your food. If you are really afraid of 5 more seconds of E.coli, you might as well stop eating. Then you'd die. And that's a lot worse than food poisoning.

Since I'm onto food here, let me recount this experience I had while I was eating out. I was eating at this restaurant on Saturday and while I got my food fast, my friend was left waiting till I had finished my whole set meal before he got his food. Considering I eat pretty slowly that's quite unacceptable. So when his food finally came, I remarked to him that I was lucky I hadn't ordered his item because it took so long. Guess what? The waitress serving the food then gave me a very dirty look, akin to if I had just called her a "nasty bitch with unshaven armpits."

Naturally I wasn't very happy that someone had taken offence with my casual remark. In the first place, there was nothing wrong with my remark, because the food was truly slow to come. I suppose they were still trying to catch the fish when my friend ordered the item.

Secondly, you don't piss off your customers because they pay your wages so that you can rise to a higher lifeform other than the lowly waitress.

Thirdly, I didn't call you a nasty bitch with unshaven armpits. So why the look?

Fourthly, yes there's a fourth, my friend's food probably picked up like 20 more minutes of E.coli! That's 240 times more than the acceptable limit! Gasp!

Actually that's not much of an issue. I just threw it in because I wanted four reasons. Three just wasn't enough.

After that meal, my friends and I went for a walk around the shopping centre. We passed by an ice-cream store that had this big sign saying "94% fat-free!". My friends then remarked that that probably means that the last 6% is pure fat. How true right?

Well, I don't give a shit. I'm not affected cos I'm one of those born to endorse slimming centres. In other words those who don't need slimming centres. Wahaha!

Yeah I know I'm a lucky (insert random expletive). Whatever. I've also found out that having such a gift makes you very unpopular around ice-cream parlours. My friends were like "should I eat, I'm afraid I'll get fat". And I was thinking like "how many scoops?" So I usually end up not eating any because it just isn't very nice to eat like 3 scoops of ice-cream while your friends look mournfully at you having finished their one pathetic scoop.

Its really sad when I see pple eating broccoli "only because its good for them" while I eat ice-cream and cheesecake like there's no tomorrow. Its even worse that I actually eat broccoli because I'm truly omnivorous, unlike some carnivorous friends of mine who eat broccoli only so that they don't get constipation. Yes, there are pple who actually eat broccoli willingly in this world, just like there are people who never get fat. Or better still, both. And no, we're not from outer space.

Food, E.coli, broccoli, whatever.

P.S. As of now, there are no broccoli plants or people that come from outer space. If you ever find any please let me know. I will feed the outer space broccoli to the outer space guy and see if he dies from it.

Spoof news report

1) Source of cheap skilled labour promises plausible prospects for temasek in furthering economic development.

As escalating labour costs force multinational companies to shift their manufacturing bases from developed to developing countries, temasek continues to defy the odds in producing the most value-added workers.

Overheard: "we believe that as a small country, we have to find niches to specialise in to compete on a global economy."

This "niche" in question would be the "patriotism bonds" handed out to young temasek males for a period of 2 years. The males will have their pink i/cs confiscated, given green "patriot" cards and bonded for two years before they get their pink cards back.

Among the best bargains - patriots with degree qualifications going for $350 a month. Only $350!

For those skeptical that such a deal is too good to be true, it gets better. If the patriot in question fails to complete his bond, he is fined $5000. Companies are currently reviewing if a jail term is merited, but money talks in business, so probably not. Foreign investors are admittedly more interested in cash than a violation of human rights, which would be bad for PR.

"I couldn't stand the idea of not playing my piano for 2 years. I decided to pay $5000 instead." - a pianist.

"$5000 for unlimited access to char kway teow and laksa for the rest of my life? It’s PEANUTS! I'm definitely coming back!" - a bond breaker.

With such value-added workers, there is hope that temasek has found the resources to compete with other global economic powerhouses.

2) Breakthrough in agro technology produces the world's first golden peanuts

Temasek scientists recently celebrated the successful cultivation of a new strain of peanut, the golden peanut. These peanuts are the result of many years of active fund-raising, the tireless efforts of many executives cooking books and anything they could get their hands on, and many hours of rumination on golden toilet furnishings. The result? The world's first golden peanuts, said to be worth at least $600,000.

Upon interview, head researcher Mr. T. said, "It certainly wasn't easy creating these golden legumes. We couldn't use traditional agricultural methods because they wouldn't have produced golden peanuts, just groundnuts, and we all know how much those are worth. To create these, we needed to look from a different perspective, which came naturally as I spent hours brainstorming on my golden toilet bowl.

Our reporter then asks, "why not platinum peanuts then Mr. T.?”

"Well, I'm running a charity here!" - Mr. T.

3) why soccer is not a CCA in elite schools.

With the level of popularity that soccer has as a national sport, it is seemingly quite baffling as to why Singapore constantly suffers on the international stage, so much that we have to endure humiliating defeats and import players, slapping the title "Singaporean" on them when anyone can tell that they are as Singaporean as freedom of speech.

The cause in Singapore’s case would probably be a lack of development for talented youths. Nowhere is this more apparent than at school level, where most "elite" schools do not offer the sport as a CCA.

Although "elite" schools have the best facilities, including the biggest and best-maintained fields, they choose to play rugby on it, a sport that is as close to the average Singaporean as the men in white.

It is probably only in Singapore that schools with enough money to build swimming pools, gymnasiums, squash courts and rugby fields are unable to raise enough money to support a soccer team. Or perhaps it is a question of medals. You need 11 men to get a medal for soccer but only 1 to get a medal for swimming or gymnastics.

Or maybe it is due to soccer being a neighbourhood school sport, and since the best basketball, volleyball and badminton players can be found in elite schools but not the soccer ones, the elite schools do not offer the sport.

With this we assume then that soccer is simply a "non-elite" sport and all soccer balls found in elite schools are actually white basketballs with fancy patterns. Even if they are played with the feet.

We shall also assume that soccer ability is inversely proportional to academic ability.

This surely spells bad news for Singapore, for we are known for having brilliant students. Perhaps we should consider giving up on Singapore soccer ever reaching international standards.

P.S. these news reports are fake and are clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek. if you can't stand them go away and pretend they don't exist.