There are many ways people try to sell things to you. However, here are some bad examples.
Sometimes, they use the hard sell. However, this method really sucks because no one likes being under duress or to feel like they're being forced to do something they don't want to. You don't believe me? Take for example the salesmen that knock on your door or telemarketers. Who gives a shit right?
Other times, they use campaigns. Anyone caught the ridiculously lame road courtesy ad recently? The one that goes something like "pass it on, pass it on". I can tell you no one is going to pass it on. If anything people are more likely to be passing on. Let me put it this way. If I'm a taxi driver and I need to earn as much money as possible in a short amount of time, there's no way I'm going to give way to you just so that you can cut into my lane and slow me down. So when no one wants to give way, something, or more unfortunately, someone gives. I cringe at that ad everytime I see that smiling taxi driver. It just doesn't happen ok?
Alternatively, they use advertisements. Recently they've been heavily promoting this certain "fan-tastic burger" that is supposed to be really fantastic. Unfortunately, they made a huge boo-boo in the casting of the ad. They used an auntie as the female lead. I'm not kidding. Go look at the auntie in yellow dancing, or rather, trying to dance along with the young guys around her. And she's not even auntie in a way that would appeal to heartlanders, like your friendly neighbourhood ah soh. She's looks more like a 30-ish ah lian trying to act like a 20 year old. What a turn-off.
Another way they use is the human touch. Just recently I encountered such an example. A short pudgy and balding middle-aged man tried to sell me insurance. What worse combination could you get? A short, pudgy, balding, middle-aged guy trying to sell insurance to an NSF. That's a whopping total of seven factors that work against the probability of a sale. I don't care how good your pitch is. I just don't want to know. Firstly, you aren't female. Secondly, I don't have enough cash for you to play around with. Thirdly, don't waste my bookout time you shitass.
Fark. Why am I wasting my time. You know how to convince people, or more specifically Singaporeans? What are Singaporeans best known for? Yes, kiasi and kiasu. If you want to convince Singaporeans, you must convince them that by not doing something they'll 1) die or be in deep shit, or 2) lose out to other people.
Singaporeans hate to get in trouble. We like to think that as long as nothing happens we are safe and happy. The government knows this very well. Which is why they put in fines and rules and whatever other random nonsense to make sure that no one disturbs the peace and if anyone does he or she is locked away or fined till kingdom come. It is working fine, but unfortunately this method will not work for the man on the street because he is nowhere as omnipotent as the government. So we shall leave it at that. Before you get any ideas I love the government k?
The other method would of course be to appeal to the kiasu-ness of Singaporeans. Here's an example. "Buy two get one free". You could use this on almost anything. Even when people only need one of an item, they will still buy two just to get that extra one, because its "just in case" and anyway, its free right?
Another example on that method. Put up a sign, banner or whatever that says "SALE!". You win. Its so foolproof its almost dumb that people don't use it all the time. Wait, some people do. I've seen this shop that has had a clearance sale for like 6 months already. Its still going strong. At this rate it might never need to clear out after all!
Monday, February 27, 2006
The computer zonks out.
Dammit I'm pissed. I just spent like two hours trying to configure like farking MSN messenger on my new computer but somehow it just won't let me sign in. I tried like everything they offered in Help and the problem just sat there, looking back at me. Its all the more frustrating because I know that one stupid sign-in screen lies between me and my friends.
I think its pretty much a given that people generally expect computer programs to work, and when they don't people can get ballistic pretty fast. It doesn't help that computer programs will typically offer you help that is full of computer jargon that is thus, not very helpful at all. So when you have a situation where nothing works, you start cursing Bill Gates, Microsoft, the government, your boss, and whatever is within range.
A typical error message on MSN messenger will probably go like error code 8-------, which is some random 8 digit number that I can't really be bothered to remember because I don't do 4D or Toto and also because it has 8 freaking digits. On principle I don't bother remembering 8-digit numbers. You have a phone for that purpose. Use it.
This is why I hate computer programs. No matter how useful they are, when they decide to fark up on you, they can fark you pretty bad. And it always seems to fark up at the worst possible moments, like before you have to hand in your final draft of an assignment or just before you save your work. To be fair the computer has probably already given you like 1000 hours of perfectly glitch-free operation but we chinese have this saying.
"It takes 10 years to build up a good reputation but one day to lose it."
No one remembers you for the good stuff you do. They only remember how you tore your pants while trying to do stretches during PE or how you misplaced your only copy of your project just minutes before your presentation. Same case for your computer programs, unfortunately.
Speaking of bad reps, I think everyone has heard of the infamous tammy from NYP sex scandal. I really think she's really unfortunate but when you choose to record such stuff on your phone there's always that risk. There are always going to be thousands of horny people around who will wank to a sex video that's no holds barred, free, and most of all local. Singaporeans are horny farkers. Ever been to Geylang Lorong 10 or 12? I'd advise all self-respecting girls never to go there if you don't want to be felt up like goods on sale.
Its just that they're more discreet. Which actually translates to I act like a civilised person but we all know the truth, you're a farking gorilla in heat. Its just that we don't talk about it like its some kind of unspoken agreement. Its more like *hint* see you later in Geylang.
So the poor girl is utterly traumatised and everything. All I can say is wait like 1 year or so and all will be forgotten, or some other stupid girl will lose her phone and relieve you of your "burden". I hope that that doesn't happen but stupidity and carelessness are infinite as long as humans exist. It will happen. And it'll probably be sooner rather than later.
I think its pretty much a given that people generally expect computer programs to work, and when they don't people can get ballistic pretty fast. It doesn't help that computer programs will typically offer you help that is full of computer jargon that is thus, not very helpful at all. So when you have a situation where nothing works, you start cursing Bill Gates, Microsoft, the government, your boss, and whatever is within range.
A typical error message on MSN messenger will probably go like error code 8-------, which is some random 8 digit number that I can't really be bothered to remember because I don't do 4D or Toto and also because it has 8 freaking digits. On principle I don't bother remembering 8-digit numbers. You have a phone for that purpose. Use it.
This is why I hate computer programs. No matter how useful they are, when they decide to fark up on you, they can fark you pretty bad. And it always seems to fark up at the worst possible moments, like before you have to hand in your final draft of an assignment or just before you save your work. To be fair the computer has probably already given you like 1000 hours of perfectly glitch-free operation but we chinese have this saying.
"It takes 10 years to build up a good reputation but one day to lose it."
No one remembers you for the good stuff you do. They only remember how you tore your pants while trying to do stretches during PE or how you misplaced your only copy of your project just minutes before your presentation. Same case for your computer programs, unfortunately.
Speaking of bad reps, I think everyone has heard of the infamous tammy from NYP sex scandal. I really think she's really unfortunate but when you choose to record such stuff on your phone there's always that risk. There are always going to be thousands of horny people around who will wank to a sex video that's no holds barred, free, and most of all local. Singaporeans are horny farkers. Ever been to Geylang Lorong 10 or 12? I'd advise all self-respecting girls never to go there if you don't want to be felt up like goods on sale.
Its just that they're more discreet. Which actually translates to I act like a civilised person but we all know the truth, you're a farking gorilla in heat. Its just that we don't talk about it like its some kind of unspoken agreement. Its more like *hint* see you later in Geylang.
So the poor girl is utterly traumatised and everything. All I can say is wait like 1 year or so and all will be forgotten, or some other stupid girl will lose her phone and relieve you of your "burden". I hope that that doesn't happen but stupidity and carelessness are infinite as long as humans exist. It will happen. And it'll probably be sooner rather than later.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Cheer up all you sad little lost sheep.
One thing I've noticed about youths nowadays is how they have huge self-esteem problems. That case is especially evident among Singapore's youth. Everyone wishes they had better grades, more money, better looks, that hot girl or guy you saw yesterday, so on and so forth.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a perfectly normal person and I do spend time wishing that I had all of the above too. But there must be an end all to this. I'm also able to realise how fortunate I am to be living in a country where I still can blog like this online without worrying about where I'll be sleeping tonight or eating later. The only gripe I have is how I've been locked up for one year plus now serving my country by doing nothing. Hey, I'm doing nothing but I'm earning money! Why don't you let me go home and do my own stuff so that I'm doing something AND earning money?
But even that will end... someday.
I think you've heard people whine about how they hate their A lvl results cos they didn't get 4As, or how they are so sad that they didn't get into OCS and they feel so inferior to their officer friends. I didn't get both and I don't care! I've met so many people who are really envious of my non-perfect results, because they are actually quite good to most people. For your information it was two As and two Bs. And an A1 in GP. And I'm currently serving as a man in 3rd signal battalion. Life's quite good there, and I've made many friends that I may not have made somewhere else.
My life is too short to worry about such nonsense and anyway it won't matter in a few years. Do you still care about your O lvl results? If you do you have a serious personality problem called insecurity and an inferiority complex.
The thing about insecurity is this: Its a freaking vicious cycle you asses. No one is going to pity you just because you think you're so pitiful. And the more you do it, the more people don't want to go near you.
People don't like negative people because they make themselves feel sad, when most of the time there is no real reason to feel so other than because the other person feels insecure. What the hell right? Don't believe me? After listening to someone's pathetic gripes about their pathetic lives, go get an ice-cream or watch a good movie. Final Destination 3 does not count unless you like watching stupid people die. Actually that's quite cathartic. Ok, you should watch that.
After that, you'll wonder why you felt so bad in the first place. Then you'll realise, it was that sorry ass you were talking to just now. And you'll probably steer clear of the person unless you genuinely want to help that person see the light.
The worst thing is, because this person is insecure, he/she scares people off, he/she has less friends, he/she feels even MORE insecure, and the cycle continues. My advice to such people is, start believing that you're deserve better and you'll be much happier. Everyone digs confident and humourous people. Of course it helps if you aren't an NSF. And don't bullshit me about how you look like shit and all that. You aren't disfigured, neither do you have a second nose or hair on your teeth.
I also find it almost ridiculous why people choose to put up with their life if they don't like it just to avoid conflict, while causing tremendous pain to themselves. Of course my attitude has got me into more trouble than I'd like in the past, but at least I'm happy about it. Just this friday my platoon commander said that when he first met me he badly wanted to punch me in the face. You know, I think its a compliment because it shows that I don't suffer idiots. Oops.
I might seem obnoxious but you must fight for yourself in this stupid world where idiots rule. Look at George W. Bush. WMDs in Iraq? Hello? Or how about his deputy, oh-I'm-so-sorry-I-shot-my-hunting-partner Cheney. You know what I mean.
At least my PC was honest enough to add that his impression of me changed after a while. Because if it didn't then maybe I'm really am an obnoxious idiot. Or maybe he's just a poor judge of character. If I really were an obnoxious idiot I wouldn't have any friends would I? Like certain PCs I know... oh, I'm sorry but I just couldn't resist putting that in.
The thing about your life is, its your life. You can change it. If you don't want to do a particular course in university, go ahead and change it. Don't say your parents want you to because if you explain to them nicely that your future 50 years of happiness or so depend on your course and what you do in the future I think they love you enough to let you make a change. I already made one huge mistake by choosing science in JC because I thought my parents wanted me to do it when they were really ambivalent about it. So now I made my own choice.
As for people who are desperately seeking the ONE, the ONE is not going to come to you if you sit at home and wait. Go and look for him or her. Go do some shit. There's bound to be some nice person out there waiting to be picked like a fruit. Ok, maybe not like a fruit but I don't believe that you can't find someone nice among 6 billion people in the world.
Ok, its 6 billion minus 3 billion, cos whether you are straight or not you only go for one half. Out of that 3 billion you'll probably have to minus like 2.5 billion because they'll either be too old or too young. Out of that 0.5 billion you'll have to minus like 0.499 billion because they'll be unsuitable for you because they have hair in the wrong places, they look like your neighbour's dog or they have some real personality issues.
That still leaves like 0.001 billion! That's 1 million people leftover!
And I'm only asking you people to find 1. If you can't find the ONE, its because you're too picky or you aren't trying hard enough.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a perfectly normal person and I do spend time wishing that I had all of the above too. But there must be an end all to this. I'm also able to realise how fortunate I am to be living in a country where I still can blog like this online without worrying about where I'll be sleeping tonight or eating later. The only gripe I have is how I've been locked up for one year plus now serving my country by doing nothing. Hey, I'm doing nothing but I'm earning money! Why don't you let me go home and do my own stuff so that I'm doing something AND earning money?
But even that will end... someday.
I think you've heard people whine about how they hate their A lvl results cos they didn't get 4As, or how they are so sad that they didn't get into OCS and they feel so inferior to their officer friends. I didn't get both and I don't care! I've met so many people who are really envious of my non-perfect results, because they are actually quite good to most people. For your information it was two As and two Bs. And an A1 in GP. And I'm currently serving as a man in 3rd signal battalion. Life's quite good there, and I've made many friends that I may not have made somewhere else.
My life is too short to worry about such nonsense and anyway it won't matter in a few years. Do you still care about your O lvl results? If you do you have a serious personality problem called insecurity and an inferiority complex.
The thing about insecurity is this: Its a freaking vicious cycle you asses. No one is going to pity you just because you think you're so pitiful. And the more you do it, the more people don't want to go near you.
People don't like negative people because they make themselves feel sad, when most of the time there is no real reason to feel so other than because the other person feels insecure. What the hell right? Don't believe me? After listening to someone's pathetic gripes about their pathetic lives, go get an ice-cream or watch a good movie. Final Destination 3 does not count unless you like watching stupid people die. Actually that's quite cathartic. Ok, you should watch that.
After that, you'll wonder why you felt so bad in the first place. Then you'll realise, it was that sorry ass you were talking to just now. And you'll probably steer clear of the person unless you genuinely want to help that person see the light.
The worst thing is, because this person is insecure, he/she scares people off, he/she has less friends, he/she feels even MORE insecure, and the cycle continues. My advice to such people is, start believing that you're deserve better and you'll be much happier. Everyone digs confident and humourous people. Of course it helps if you aren't an NSF. And don't bullshit me about how you look like shit and all that. You aren't disfigured, neither do you have a second nose or hair on your teeth.
I also find it almost ridiculous why people choose to put up with their life if they don't like it just to avoid conflict, while causing tremendous pain to themselves. Of course my attitude has got me into more trouble than I'd like in the past, but at least I'm happy about it. Just this friday my platoon commander said that when he first met me he badly wanted to punch me in the face. You know, I think its a compliment because it shows that I don't suffer idiots. Oops.
I might seem obnoxious but you must fight for yourself in this stupid world where idiots rule. Look at George W. Bush. WMDs in Iraq? Hello? Or how about his deputy, oh-I'm-so-sorry-I-shot-my-hunting-partner Cheney. You know what I mean.
At least my PC was honest enough to add that his impression of me changed after a while. Because if it didn't then maybe I'm really am an obnoxious idiot. Or maybe he's just a poor judge of character. If I really were an obnoxious idiot I wouldn't have any friends would I? Like certain PCs I know... oh, I'm sorry but I just couldn't resist putting that in.
The thing about your life is, its your life. You can change it. If you don't want to do a particular course in university, go ahead and change it. Don't say your parents want you to because if you explain to them nicely that your future 50 years of happiness or so depend on your course and what you do in the future I think they love you enough to let you make a change. I already made one huge mistake by choosing science in JC because I thought my parents wanted me to do it when they were really ambivalent about it. So now I made my own choice.
As for people who are desperately seeking the ONE, the ONE is not going to come to you if you sit at home and wait. Go and look for him or her. Go do some shit. There's bound to be some nice person out there waiting to be picked like a fruit. Ok, maybe not like a fruit but I don't believe that you can't find someone nice among 6 billion people in the world.
Ok, its 6 billion minus 3 billion, cos whether you are straight or not you only go for one half. Out of that 3 billion you'll probably have to minus like 2.5 billion because they'll either be too old or too young. Out of that 0.5 billion you'll have to minus like 0.499 billion because they'll be unsuitable for you because they have hair in the wrong places, they look like your neighbour's dog or they have some real personality issues.
That still leaves like 0.001 billion! That's 1 million people leftover!
And I'm only asking you people to find 1. If you can't find the ONE, its because you're too picky or you aren't trying hard enough.
Stuck.
I think I've realised what people hate most. Having all this time to ruminate in the army, I've realised that it probably comes close to this. People hate being stuck in something and having no real way out of it in sight. But here's something even better. I've personally experienced a situation of being stuck in something and having no way out twice over in one situation. And before you write me off in disbelief, I shall show you how in one sentence.
Wanting to take a dump while in the army but not having any toilet paper in sight in the whole company line.
Now that is one super farked up situation. Firstly, you're already stuck in camp and sad enough about that. secondly, you feel constipated in every sense of the word. And it happened to me.
That fateful night, I was looking for an empty, clean and working toilet. In my camp, finding a toilet that works fine, is clean and not occupied is like striking a lottery, only that the chance of all 3 occuring at the same time is similar to that in a singaporean hawker centre. Its like some jackpot machine with 3 slots. 99% of the time you don't get it.
Howver, this time I was lucky enough to find one. Unfortunately, there wasn't any paper. I frantically checked all the cubicles. There weren't any either.
I checked all 4 levels of my company line and the result was the same. In one day, my company had somehow managed to exhaust like 15 rolls of toilet paper. But I guess it happened that day because of a cleanliness inspection earlier.
When people want something clean in the army, they mean so clean that they can't find a single speck of dust. In other words they want everything impossibly clean and since it is impossible, its just a good excuse for releasing that frustration they feel every morning after asking themselves why they signed on. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean you stop trying to clean the bunk because I like clean bunks and doubly because the staff sarge will probably smoke in the bunk and dirty it further. Jackass.
But anyway, the lack of toilet paper was becoming a real concern. Luckily for me, I was fortunate enough to find enough tissue paper from friends by asking around. The next morning, a friend of mine from another platoon asked me if there was any toilet paper. I heard he ended up using newspaper.
Now that I'm done with a stupid toilet episode, here's a stupider one. A few days back we had a practice shoot for range, or IMT. Since it wasn't at our camp, we had to take a bus to the venue. So we fall in early by 6am, expecting to see buses taking us to our destination so that we can practice shooting and become decisive soldiers of a decisive force. Ok, maybe that last part wasn't necessary but I thought the army was particularly proud of it and as a part of them I ought to spread their propaganda.
So we fall in, and guess what? There aren't enough buses! Apparently some idiot above thought that 190 people or so could fit in two buses, despite the fact that they split us into five different details for five buses! Maybe they've been involved in human smuggling, where you see people fit into the boot, under the bus and in all those secret compartments you never knew existed. Otherwise I don't see how its possible that anyone with half a brain would make an assumption that a bus that normally sits 40 can suddenly sit 95 people. Or maybe that's the crux of the issue. Idiots don't have brains.
So what does the army do when they make a mistake? If your answer was recitfy it immediately, you're wrong on two counts. Firstly, they don't rectify the problem immediately. Secondly, they start blaming people until someone accepts the blame and solves the problem.
Now we had a situation where about 100 people were unable to reach their destination. And in the army, when something goes wrong, someone must be blamed. So there commenced a session of finger-pointing and feigning ignorance and eventually one tonner appeared an hour later to carry some 50 people off. So there are still 50 people or so who still are going nowhere, including me. We eventually reached our destination, but 4 hours later.
However, the fact that such a situation existed spoke volumes about the efficiency of the army. That's one side of the army that you never see on TV.
The stupid thing is that the army you see on TV and the army I'm serving are two different armies. The one on TV doesn't exist, or if it does it definitely isn't Singapore's.
The television army uses high-tech computer gadgets, great organisational skills and well-trained soldiers to destroy its opponents. The real army can't even get its men to shooting practice on time. I have this gut feeling that they might forget to bring ammunition to the battlefield, and instead of bringing some immediately, they start blaming each other till the enemy shows up and pumps them all full of ammunition. Now that would be poetic justice.
Wanting to take a dump while in the army but not having any toilet paper in sight in the whole company line.
Now that is one super farked up situation. Firstly, you're already stuck in camp and sad enough about that. secondly, you feel constipated in every sense of the word. And it happened to me.
That fateful night, I was looking for an empty, clean and working toilet. In my camp, finding a toilet that works fine, is clean and not occupied is like striking a lottery, only that the chance of all 3 occuring at the same time is similar to that in a singaporean hawker centre. Its like some jackpot machine with 3 slots. 99% of the time you don't get it.
Howver, this time I was lucky enough to find one. Unfortunately, there wasn't any paper. I frantically checked all the cubicles. There weren't any either.
I checked all 4 levels of my company line and the result was the same. In one day, my company had somehow managed to exhaust like 15 rolls of toilet paper. But I guess it happened that day because of a cleanliness inspection earlier.
When people want something clean in the army, they mean so clean that they can't find a single speck of dust. In other words they want everything impossibly clean and since it is impossible, its just a good excuse for releasing that frustration they feel every morning after asking themselves why they signed on. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean you stop trying to clean the bunk because I like clean bunks and doubly because the staff sarge will probably smoke in the bunk and dirty it further. Jackass.
But anyway, the lack of toilet paper was becoming a real concern. Luckily for me, I was fortunate enough to find enough tissue paper from friends by asking around. The next morning, a friend of mine from another platoon asked me if there was any toilet paper. I heard he ended up using newspaper.
Now that I'm done with a stupid toilet episode, here's a stupider one. A few days back we had a practice shoot for range, or IMT. Since it wasn't at our camp, we had to take a bus to the venue. So we fall in early by 6am, expecting to see buses taking us to our destination so that we can practice shooting and become decisive soldiers of a decisive force. Ok, maybe that last part wasn't necessary but I thought the army was particularly proud of it and as a part of them I ought to spread their propaganda.
So we fall in, and guess what? There aren't enough buses! Apparently some idiot above thought that 190 people or so could fit in two buses, despite the fact that they split us into five different details for five buses! Maybe they've been involved in human smuggling, where you see people fit into the boot, under the bus and in all those secret compartments you never knew existed. Otherwise I don't see how its possible that anyone with half a brain would make an assumption that a bus that normally sits 40 can suddenly sit 95 people. Or maybe that's the crux of the issue. Idiots don't have brains.
So what does the army do when they make a mistake? If your answer was recitfy it immediately, you're wrong on two counts. Firstly, they don't rectify the problem immediately. Secondly, they start blaming people until someone accepts the blame and solves the problem.
Now we had a situation where about 100 people were unable to reach their destination. And in the army, when something goes wrong, someone must be blamed. So there commenced a session of finger-pointing and feigning ignorance and eventually one tonner appeared an hour later to carry some 50 people off. So there are still 50 people or so who still are going nowhere, including me. We eventually reached our destination, but 4 hours later.
However, the fact that such a situation existed spoke volumes about the efficiency of the army. That's one side of the army that you never see on TV.
The stupid thing is that the army you see on TV and the army I'm serving are two different armies. The one on TV doesn't exist, or if it does it definitely isn't Singapore's.
The television army uses high-tech computer gadgets, great organisational skills and well-trained soldiers to destroy its opponents. The real army can't even get its men to shooting practice on time. I have this gut feeling that they might forget to bring ammunition to the battlefield, and instead of bringing some immediately, they start blaming each other till the enemy shows up and pumps them all full of ammunition. Now that would be poetic justice.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Food, E.coli, Broccoli
"Eh, that piece of food drop on the floor more than 5 seconds already, cannot eat".
I'm sure you pple out there have heard something like this before. Or maybe you heard about its cousin, the 7-second rule. 2 more seconds to grab that food bit. Yay.
Well, is it true then? In this present day and age you would probably just Google "food 5-second rule". So I did, and I found out that it is apparently true. In a study, food picked up E.coli bacteria after 5 seconds.
So I guess the 5 second rule actually works. However, think about this. If food picks up E.coli from a cleaned and disinfected floor, then why not our plates and tables? And why not every other freaking surface on this planet? Why not from the atmosphere too while I'm at it?
Have you just realised how redundant this rule is? Oh, enlightenment!
My advice to you is this, if you really want to eat something off the floor, just do it because you won't die from it, and you'll satisfy your warped craving. While you're worrying about the E.coli on the floor, the E.coli on your plate is rolling all over your food. If you are really afraid of 5 more seconds of E.coli, you might as well stop eating. Then you'd die. And that's a lot worse than food poisoning.
Since I'm onto food here, let me recount this experience I had while I was eating out. I was eating at this restaurant on Saturday and while I got my food fast, my friend was left waiting till I had finished my whole set meal before he got his food. Considering I eat pretty slowly that's quite unacceptable. So when his food finally came, I remarked to him that I was lucky I hadn't ordered his item because it took so long. Guess what? The waitress serving the food then gave me a very dirty look, akin to if I had just called her a "nasty bitch with unshaven armpits."
Naturally I wasn't very happy that someone had taken offence with my casual remark. In the first place, there was nothing wrong with my remark, because the food was truly slow to come. I suppose they were still trying to catch the fish when my friend ordered the item.
Secondly, you don't piss off your customers because they pay your wages so that you can rise to a higher lifeform other than the lowly waitress.
Thirdly, I didn't call you a nasty bitch with unshaven armpits. So why the look?
Fourthly, yes there's a fourth, my friend's food probably picked up like 20 more minutes of E.coli! That's 240 times more than the acceptable limit! Gasp!
Actually that's not much of an issue. I just threw it in because I wanted four reasons. Three just wasn't enough.
After that meal, my friends and I went for a walk around the shopping centre. We passed by an ice-cream store that had this big sign saying "94% fat-free!". My friends then remarked that that probably means that the last 6% is pure fat. How true right?
Well, I don't give a shit. I'm not affected cos I'm one of those born to endorse slimming centres. In other words those who don't need slimming centres. Wahaha!
Yeah I know I'm a lucky (insert random expletive). Whatever. I've also found out that having such a gift makes you very unpopular around ice-cream parlours. My friends were like "should I eat, I'm afraid I'll get fat". And I was thinking like "how many scoops?" So I usually end up not eating any because it just isn't very nice to eat like 3 scoops of ice-cream while your friends look mournfully at you having finished their one pathetic scoop.
Its really sad when I see pple eating broccoli "only because its good for them" while I eat ice-cream and cheesecake like there's no tomorrow. Its even worse that I actually eat broccoli because I'm truly omnivorous, unlike some carnivorous friends of mine who eat broccoli only so that they don't get constipation. Yes, there are pple who actually eat broccoli willingly in this world, just like there are people who never get fat. Or better still, both. And no, we're not from outer space.
Food, E.coli, broccoli, whatever.
P.S. As of now, there are no broccoli plants or people that come from outer space. If you ever find any please let me know. I will feed the outer space broccoli to the outer space guy and see if he dies from it.
I'm sure you pple out there have heard something like this before. Or maybe you heard about its cousin, the 7-second rule. 2 more seconds to grab that food bit. Yay.
Well, is it true then? In this present day and age you would probably just Google "food 5-second rule". So I did, and I found out that it is apparently true. In a study, food picked up E.coli bacteria after 5 seconds.
So I guess the 5 second rule actually works. However, think about this. If food picks up E.coli from a cleaned and disinfected floor, then why not our plates and tables? And why not every other freaking surface on this planet? Why not from the atmosphere too while I'm at it?
Have you just realised how redundant this rule is? Oh, enlightenment!
My advice to you is this, if you really want to eat something off the floor, just do it because you won't die from it, and you'll satisfy your warped craving. While you're worrying about the E.coli on the floor, the E.coli on your plate is rolling all over your food. If you are really afraid of 5 more seconds of E.coli, you might as well stop eating. Then you'd die. And that's a lot worse than food poisoning.
Since I'm onto food here, let me recount this experience I had while I was eating out. I was eating at this restaurant on Saturday and while I got my food fast, my friend was left waiting till I had finished my whole set meal before he got his food. Considering I eat pretty slowly that's quite unacceptable. So when his food finally came, I remarked to him that I was lucky I hadn't ordered his item because it took so long. Guess what? The waitress serving the food then gave me a very dirty look, akin to if I had just called her a "nasty bitch with unshaven armpits."
Naturally I wasn't very happy that someone had taken offence with my casual remark. In the first place, there was nothing wrong with my remark, because the food was truly slow to come. I suppose they were still trying to catch the fish when my friend ordered the item.
Secondly, you don't piss off your customers because they pay your wages so that you can rise to a higher lifeform other than the lowly waitress.
Thirdly, I didn't call you a nasty bitch with unshaven armpits. So why the look?
Fourthly, yes there's a fourth, my friend's food probably picked up like 20 more minutes of E.coli! That's 240 times more than the acceptable limit! Gasp!
Actually that's not much of an issue. I just threw it in because I wanted four reasons. Three just wasn't enough.
After that meal, my friends and I went for a walk around the shopping centre. We passed by an ice-cream store that had this big sign saying "94% fat-free!". My friends then remarked that that probably means that the last 6% is pure fat. How true right?
Well, I don't give a shit. I'm not affected cos I'm one of those born to endorse slimming centres. In other words those who don't need slimming centres. Wahaha!
Yeah I know I'm a lucky (insert random expletive). Whatever. I've also found out that having such a gift makes you very unpopular around ice-cream parlours. My friends were like "should I eat, I'm afraid I'll get fat". And I was thinking like "how many scoops?" So I usually end up not eating any because it just isn't very nice to eat like 3 scoops of ice-cream while your friends look mournfully at you having finished their one pathetic scoop.
Its really sad when I see pple eating broccoli "only because its good for them" while I eat ice-cream and cheesecake like there's no tomorrow. Its even worse that I actually eat broccoli because I'm truly omnivorous, unlike some carnivorous friends of mine who eat broccoli only so that they don't get constipation. Yes, there are pple who actually eat broccoli willingly in this world, just like there are people who never get fat. Or better still, both. And no, we're not from outer space.
Food, E.coli, broccoli, whatever.
P.S. As of now, there are no broccoli plants or people that come from outer space. If you ever find any please let me know. I will feed the outer space broccoli to the outer space guy and see if he dies from it.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Spoof news report
1) Source of cheap skilled labour promises plausible prospects for temasek in furthering economic development.
As escalating labour costs force multinational companies to shift their manufacturing bases from developed to developing countries, temasek continues to defy the odds in producing the most value-added workers.
Overheard: "we believe that as a small country, we have to find niches to specialise in to compete on a global economy."
This "niche" in question would be the "patriotism bonds" handed out to young temasek males for a period of 2 years. The males will have their pink i/cs confiscated, given green "patriot" cards and bonded for two years before they get their pink cards back.
Among the best bargains - patriots with degree qualifications going for $350 a month. Only $350!
For those skeptical that such a deal is too good to be true, it gets better. If the patriot in question fails to complete his bond, he is fined $5000. Companies are currently reviewing if a jail term is merited, but money talks in business, so probably not. Foreign investors are admittedly more interested in cash than a violation of human rights, which would be bad for PR.
"I couldn't stand the idea of not playing my piano for 2 years. I decided to pay $5000 instead." - a pianist.
"$5000 for unlimited access to char kway teow and laksa for the rest of my life? It’s PEANUTS! I'm definitely coming back!" - a bond breaker.
With such value-added workers, there is hope that temasek has found the resources to compete with other global economic powerhouses.
2) Breakthrough in agro technology produces the world's first golden peanuts
Temasek scientists recently celebrated the successful cultivation of a new strain of peanut, the golden peanut. These peanuts are the result of many years of active fund-raising, the tireless efforts of many executives cooking books and anything they could get their hands on, and many hours of rumination on golden toilet furnishings. The result? The world's first golden peanuts, said to be worth at least $600,000.
Upon interview, head researcher Mr. T. said, "It certainly wasn't easy creating these golden legumes. We couldn't use traditional agricultural methods because they wouldn't have produced golden peanuts, just groundnuts, and we all know how much those are worth. To create these, we needed to look from a different perspective, which came naturally as I spent hours brainstorming on my golden toilet bowl.
Our reporter then asks, "why not platinum peanuts then Mr. T.?”
"Well, I'm running a charity here!" - Mr. T.
3) why soccer is not a CCA in elite schools.
With the level of popularity that soccer has as a national sport, it is seemingly quite baffling as to why Singapore constantly suffers on the international stage, so much that we have to endure humiliating defeats and import players, slapping the title "Singaporean" on them when anyone can tell that they are as Singaporean as freedom of speech.
The cause in Singapore’s case would probably be a lack of development for talented youths. Nowhere is this more apparent than at school level, where most "elite" schools do not offer the sport as a CCA.
Although "elite" schools have the best facilities, including the biggest and best-maintained fields, they choose to play rugby on it, a sport that is as close to the average Singaporean as the men in white.
It is probably only in Singapore that schools with enough money to build swimming pools, gymnasiums, squash courts and rugby fields are unable to raise enough money to support a soccer team. Or perhaps it is a question of medals. You need 11 men to get a medal for soccer but only 1 to get a medal for swimming or gymnastics.
Or maybe it is due to soccer being a neighbourhood school sport, and since the best basketball, volleyball and badminton players can be found in elite schools but not the soccer ones, the elite schools do not offer the sport.
With this we assume then that soccer is simply a "non-elite" sport and all soccer balls found in elite schools are actually white basketballs with fancy patterns. Even if they are played with the feet.
We shall also assume that soccer ability is inversely proportional to academic ability.
This surely spells bad news for Singapore, for we are known for having brilliant students. Perhaps we should consider giving up on Singapore soccer ever reaching international standards.
P.S. these news reports are fake and are clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek. if you can't stand them go away and pretend they don't exist.
As escalating labour costs force multinational companies to shift their manufacturing bases from developed to developing countries, temasek continues to defy the odds in producing the most value-added workers.
Overheard: "we believe that as a small country, we have to find niches to specialise in to compete on a global economy."
This "niche" in question would be the "patriotism bonds" handed out to young temasek males for a period of 2 years. The males will have their pink i/cs confiscated, given green "patriot" cards and bonded for two years before they get their pink cards back.
Among the best bargains - patriots with degree qualifications going for $350 a month. Only $350!
For those skeptical that such a deal is too good to be true, it gets better. If the patriot in question fails to complete his bond, he is fined $5000. Companies are currently reviewing if a jail term is merited, but money talks in business, so probably not. Foreign investors are admittedly more interested in cash than a violation of human rights, which would be bad for PR.
"I couldn't stand the idea of not playing my piano for 2 years. I decided to pay $5000 instead." - a pianist.
"$5000 for unlimited access to char kway teow and laksa for the rest of my life? It’s PEANUTS! I'm definitely coming back!" - a bond breaker.
With such value-added workers, there is hope that temasek has found the resources to compete with other global economic powerhouses.
2) Breakthrough in agro technology produces the world's first golden peanuts
Temasek scientists recently celebrated the successful cultivation of a new strain of peanut, the golden peanut. These peanuts are the result of many years of active fund-raising, the tireless efforts of many executives cooking books and anything they could get their hands on, and many hours of rumination on golden toilet furnishings. The result? The world's first golden peanuts, said to be worth at least $600,000.
Upon interview, head researcher Mr. T. said, "It certainly wasn't easy creating these golden legumes. We couldn't use traditional agricultural methods because they wouldn't have produced golden peanuts, just groundnuts, and we all know how much those are worth. To create these, we needed to look from a different perspective, which came naturally as I spent hours brainstorming on my golden toilet bowl.
Our reporter then asks, "why not platinum peanuts then Mr. T.?”
"Well, I'm running a charity here!" - Mr. T.
3) why soccer is not a CCA in elite schools.
With the level of popularity that soccer has as a national sport, it is seemingly quite baffling as to why Singapore constantly suffers on the international stage, so much that we have to endure humiliating defeats and import players, slapping the title "Singaporean" on them when anyone can tell that they are as Singaporean as freedom of speech.
The cause in Singapore’s case would probably be a lack of development for talented youths. Nowhere is this more apparent than at school level, where most "elite" schools do not offer the sport as a CCA.
Although "elite" schools have the best facilities, including the biggest and best-maintained fields, they choose to play rugby on it, a sport that is as close to the average Singaporean as the men in white.
It is probably only in Singapore that schools with enough money to build swimming pools, gymnasiums, squash courts and rugby fields are unable to raise enough money to support a soccer team. Or perhaps it is a question of medals. You need 11 men to get a medal for soccer but only 1 to get a medal for swimming or gymnastics.
Or maybe it is due to soccer being a neighbourhood school sport, and since the best basketball, volleyball and badminton players can be found in elite schools but not the soccer ones, the elite schools do not offer the sport.
With this we assume then that soccer is simply a "non-elite" sport and all soccer balls found in elite schools are actually white basketballs with fancy patterns. Even if they are played with the feet.
We shall also assume that soccer ability is inversely proportional to academic ability.
This surely spells bad news for Singapore, for we are known for having brilliant students. Perhaps we should consider giving up on Singapore soccer ever reaching international standards.
P.S. these news reports are fake and are clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek. if you can't stand them go away and pretend they don't exist.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)