1) Source of cheap skilled labour promises plausible prospects for temasek in furthering economic development.
As escalating labour costs force multinational companies to shift their manufacturing bases from developed to developing countries, temasek continues to defy the odds in producing the most value-added workers.
Overheard: "we believe that as a small country, we have to find niches to specialise in to compete on a global economy."
This "niche" in question would be the "patriotism bonds" handed out to young temasek males for a period of 2 years. The males will have their pink i/cs confiscated, given green "patriot" cards and bonded for two years before they get their pink cards back.
Among the best bargains - patriots with degree qualifications going for $350 a month. Only $350!
For those skeptical that such a deal is too good to be true, it gets better. If the patriot in question fails to complete his bond, he is fined $5000. Companies are currently reviewing if a jail term is merited, but money talks in business, so probably not. Foreign investors are admittedly more interested in cash than a violation of human rights, which would be bad for PR.
"I couldn't stand the idea of not playing my piano for 2 years. I decided to pay $5000 instead." - a pianist.
"$5000 for unlimited access to char kway teow and laksa for the rest of my life? It’s PEANUTS! I'm definitely coming back!" - a bond breaker.
With such value-added workers, there is hope that temasek has found the resources to compete with other global economic powerhouses.
2) Breakthrough in agro technology produces the world's first golden peanuts
Temasek scientists recently celebrated the successful cultivation of a new strain of peanut, the golden peanut. These peanuts are the result of many years of active fund-raising, the tireless efforts of many executives cooking books and anything they could get their hands on, and many hours of rumination on golden toilet furnishings. The result? The world's first golden peanuts, said to be worth at least $600,000.
Upon interview, head researcher Mr. T. said, "It certainly wasn't easy creating these golden legumes. We couldn't use traditional agricultural methods because they wouldn't have produced golden peanuts, just groundnuts, and we all know how much those are worth. To create these, we needed to look from a different perspective, which came naturally as I spent hours brainstorming on my golden toilet bowl.
Our reporter then asks, "why not platinum peanuts then Mr. T.?”
"Well, I'm running a charity here!" - Mr. T.
3) why soccer is not a CCA in elite schools.
With the level of popularity that soccer has as a national sport, it is seemingly quite baffling as to why Singapore constantly suffers on the international stage, so much that we have to endure humiliating defeats and import players, slapping the title "Singaporean" on them when anyone can tell that they are as Singaporean as freedom of speech.
The cause in Singapore’s case would probably be a lack of development for talented youths. Nowhere is this more apparent than at school level, where most "elite" schools do not offer the sport as a CCA.
Although "elite" schools have the best facilities, including the biggest and best-maintained fields, they choose to play rugby on it, a sport that is as close to the average Singaporean as the men in white.
It is probably only in Singapore that schools with enough money to build swimming pools, gymnasiums, squash courts and rugby fields are unable to raise enough money to support a soccer team. Or perhaps it is a question of medals. You need 11 men to get a medal for soccer but only 1 to get a medal for swimming or gymnastics.
Or maybe it is due to soccer being a neighbourhood school sport, and since the best basketball, volleyball and badminton players can be found in elite schools but not the soccer ones, the elite schools do not offer the sport.
With this we assume then that soccer is simply a "non-elite" sport and all soccer balls found in elite schools are actually white basketballs with fancy patterns. Even if they are played with the feet.
We shall also assume that soccer ability is inversely proportional to academic ability.
This surely spells bad news for Singapore, for we are known for having brilliant students. Perhaps we should consider giving up on Singapore soccer ever reaching international standards.
P.S. these news reports are fake and are clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek. if you can't stand them go away and pretend they don't exist.