The 3 reasons to watch Transformers 3. The babe, the robots, and the hero a distant third somewhere in the background so he doesn't distract you from the first twoI caught Transfomers 3 in the cinema recently. I mean, how could you not. There's no Megan Fox running, jumping around, or a slow-mo shot of her flying through the air as stuff explodes, wait, this is supposed to be a movie about robots. I think it really says something about the appeal of transforming robots if despite all their fancy gimmickery, people just want to see Megan Fox.
And well, yes she wasn't in Transformers 3, so I had to catch it to see if the movie would be anything without her. Like yeah prove me wrong Michael Bay. Just in case, I bought an extra large bucket of popcorn, so if the movie sucked, I still had salty popcorn.
Part of me wanted to believe that a movie about the love and trust forged between robot and man would somehow work. Okay, who am I kidding. I just wanted to see if the new babe measured up somehow.
Instead, what I got was an uncomfortable squeamish moment watching Witwicky in a toilet stall with some creepy Asian dude who managed to make drinking packet milk look so unsexy. I mean, it is unsexy, but he actually made me wonder why I ever drank milk from packets.
It was like they had to up the ante somehow. The previous two movies had boy-girl love and boy-robot love, so the third instalment has boy-with-creepy-guy-who-keeps-blueprints-in-crotch love. Oh god. It just made me wish the Decepticon had thrown that guy out of the window sooner.
But as all hot-blooded guys know, a movie with robots and a guy who loves robots only works as far as there is a hot babe around somewhere to show those robots off to. Well, the babe in this instalment was Rosie Huntington Whiteley. A Victoria's Secret model, and about as perfectly groomed and bland as they go.
And it doesn't answer one big gaping question, how Witwicky managed to bag a chick like that after Megan Fox left him, despite being jobless and driving a shit car. The movie would have you believe that its because he has that stupid Presidential medal for saving the world, but we all know medals are the things you keep in a corner of your house to collect dust. I swear its the bright yellow transforming robot car, more awesome than all your Ferraris and Lamborghinis. Girls absolutely dig nice rides, right?
This movie only works if you take suspending disbelief to a new level. It will help you get through the fact that said model is wearing a white outfit that never gets dirty throughout the movie, though she's probably been wearing it for several days by the time Witwicky gets to her at the end of the movie. Right, supermodels always look perfect, the makeup doesn't run, they don't smell bad, not a single strand of hair is out of place, and they have the special ability to keep their clothes clean like forever.
Did I mention that she can run in heels through what must be one of the worst places to do so, a trussed up post apocalyptic version of Chicago? Hell, what kind of training do these models go through? Or that despite doing all of the above, she doesn't sweat? Now I know why I thought she was unreal. She most certainly is.
But you know, the average guy is a lot easier to please. Ooh, low cut dress. Check. Nice ass. Check. Great legs. Check. All of it on the same girl, hell yeah.
Then Witwicky gives up a dinner date with said girl because he wants to save the world with his robots. No shit Witwicky, somehow all throughout the movie I could not pin my finger on why the romance seemed unconvincing, but now I think I have it. No straight guy would turn something like that down, robots or no. The robots are the means to the end, not the end. Gay.