Having done more than a few interviews over a few months and getting rejected time and again, I've come to the conclusion that each one is really just an exercise for me to sharpen my interviewing skills. I no longer go in with the expectation of getting employed, because employment has become that magic factor that does not really exist. If it happens, it means that I can go buy 4D because I will win the first prize, and Singapore will be in the World Cup next year.
It becomes really easy after that, because you become real chill about everything. I've rehearsed my practiced answers so much, I've even had time to come up with an alternative set that I wish I could say to these interviewers.
So here goes.
Tell me about yourself
I'm actually an escaped circus monkey who assumed human form after meeting a genie that someone rubbed out of a lamp. The genie was feeling generous, so he gave me three wishes. I told him that I wanted to be a human, and poof, he granted the wish. I was a fully formed human, even decked out in clothes from the recently opened H&M.
I still had two more wishes, so I told him that I wanted to know what life as a human was like, and that I also wanted to meet more people. I ended up in this job interview.
Why did you choose (this company)
I'd really love to say that your company is the best in the world, but I bet you couldn't say that yourself with a straight face. Fortunately for you, I am a first-rate masochist. I don't just love pain, I'm actually willing to put myself through this interview so you can feel it too. And if I actually make it, I'm signing myself up for even more of it. There's so much gratuitous pain to be had, it makes me turned on just thinking about it.
Why made you decide to move away from a job in communications?
I love to write, but I wrote so much that I developed a tremor in my left hand. After doing a CT scan, I was told that I had developed a rare autoimmune disease, caused by the unconscious reaction my hand was having to all the shit it was writing. My hand was trying to destroy itself, because it realised that it wasn't creating quality journalism.
They told me that if I continued writing, I would only have three months to live, because the disease would spread to my heart and brain and destroy it too. I don't profess that this new job will necessarily be any different, but at least I'll have money to pay for my treatment.
What is your greatest weakness?
Legend has it that five thousand years ago, a golden beam from the sky shone upon the Earth, and the ground rumbled and shook. The beam fixed upon a rock, and behold, a little furry cat was born. But this furry cat wasn't just any cat, it was a special cat called Nyan that had the power to fly through space, while shitting a stream of rainbows behind it.
It sang a neverending ballad on the mysteries of space and time, and I listened to a six hour recording of his song once. At the end of it, my ears were shitting rainbows too, although I gained enlightenment in a certain sense. I learnt that there were better things to do with my time.
Oh, I tend to ramble on about stuff that's irrelevant. Sorry.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
On the cover of Forbes magazine, smiling next to Oprah and the Queen.
Do you have any questions you would like to ask us?
Sure. Do you think you could prove Fermat's last theorem and explain it to me? I have a very inquisitive mind. If that's too difficult, then could you explain to me why is it that when I mix fruit juice, anything that I mix with papaya tastes like nothing else but papaya. Lastly, I'm allergic to bullshit. Do you have anything that can alleviate that? I really need it because after every interview, I break out in rashes. It's quite the problem.