The Apple Story

Last night, after returning from round island supper, I was actually in a fluster because it was 1am and I hadn't even started on my 205 aesop fables presentation, which was due in less than 12 hours. I was feeling sleepy and a little nutty from too much prata and laksa, so guess what came out. From the brain! What were you thinking!

This was written in the style of an Aesop fable, but it became so crazy even the lecturer Paul Falzon thought so.

The apple story. A result of Apple envy. Yes all you darned Apple users.

In a small town a long time ago, there was a little shophouse. On the first level, there was a greengrocer, who sold apples. On the second floor, there was a doctor who owned an Apple macbook. It was sleek and white, and the envy of the greengrocer. Everyday, the greengrocer would look at his round green apples, then look at the doctor's sleek white Apple, and feel the envy growing inside.

What few knew however, was the fact that this doctor was extremely dishonest. He had actually majored in English, not medicine. Everyday, he would buy a few apples from the greengrocer, then prescribe them to his patients, telling them that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away".

Since he was a doctor and his patients were rural countryside folk, they believed him and ate the apples, and would emerge a few days later miraculously cured because apples were very nutritious, full of vitamins, minerals and fibre.

With the ridiculous amount of money the doctor was making from his apple scam, he soon bought himself an Apple. The greengrocer, green with envy, decided one day to steal the Apple. The greengrocer waited till the doctor was on his way to buy apples, then he sneaked into the doctor's office and picked up the Apple.

What he did not realise however, not being very intelligent, was that the doctor, finding no greengrocer selling apples, soon returned to his office. The greengrocer, in a panic, threw the Apple out of the window, and it hit the head of a certain Sir Issac Newton who was passing by. The doctor, finding his Apple missing, accused the greengrocer of stealing it and hauled him to court.

In court, the doctor and greengrocer argued their cases. The doctor accused the greengrocer of Apple theft, but the greengrocer denied having ever seen the Apple. In the end, the judge Sir Issac Newton delivered his verdict.

"I do not believe that you, the doctor ever had an Apple, and I believe that you, the greengrocer has seen some apples in your time. Therefore you are both lying. But I do now, however, have an Apple (evil cackling laughter) and I have discovered the law of gravity."

Moral of the story: The dishonest get no credit for being honest. And Newton discovered the law of gravity.

NTU humour

I've realised that NTU is a rather humourous place. We have humourous people, people who are the subjects of other's humour, not so humourous people, Xiao Ming, and Amos.

If you're wondering why I'm using the name Xiao Ming here, I'm actually using it because Xiao Ming is a universal hero to all primary 1 to secondary 4 kids who take chinese. Why do I say so? Who is the protagonist of all your chinese stories? Yes! The humble XIAO MING!

If you believe the stories written about Xiao Ming, he has seen countless windy and sunny mornings, (feng he ri li de zao shang) and been through all sorts of adventures that mostly depend on how proficient your chinese is. In other words, the better your chinese, the more fun Xiao Ming has.

It also happens to be the name of a certain lecturer. That, I assure you, is a mere coincidence. Ok that had totally no relation to my topic whatsoever. I just had to put it in.

As for why Amos is separate, I believe he'll tell you any day that he really is a unique person who can joke quite well. I second that. He recently increased his score from 1 to a 4. That makes him 300% more humourous! Unfortunately 300% of 1 is not a lot. Especially since its out of 10. Still fail. Try harder next time Amos. Lol. Nice hair anyway. And Happy 21st Birthday.

However I've also realised something about the humour in NTU. Its predominantly cold. Its not the kind that makes you laugh your head off. Its rather the kind that hits you as totally not funny, then you start laughing. But even when you do, its sounds like the kind of laughter when you realise that the female protagonist in your chinese story is called Xiao Ming.

Not very funny at all indeed.

Why didn't I notice this before?

I suddenly feel a wave of dumbness that I never realised that there is actually a title field for posts to differentiate titles from the main text. However this is good because it reminds me I have a lot to learn about computers, as much as I believe otherwise.

Anyway I'm blogging about bad service today, at the request of Chang. I actually didn't want to talk about this experience because it was so bad it was basically best forgotten.

About two weeks back me and my secondary school chums were having a night's out at Harry's bar at the Esplanade. I'm sure some of you will know where that is, yeah basement of the Esplanade.

And we were in pretty high spirits because we hadn't seen in other in ages, due to the fact that we study in different places, the 3 local unis and some foreign ones. Yeah, basically we were like chilling out.

So we decided to have a round of drinks. The waitress came out, and she had like a black face on, but we just attributed it to PMS. Yeah, typical of guys huh. Everytime a girl is pissed its PMS. Blame it on what you don't know.

And so my friends made their orders. One of my friends, who doesn't drink, asked the waitress what a Virgin Mary was. Her reply? "Its a mocktail", in a mocking voice.

Oh thanks I'm sure I couldn't tell. It was printed under the "mocktail" section. I think he was asking for what was in it maybe? How very serviceable of you. I think you are in need of some servicing in the brain area if that's how you do your job.

My friend was actually quite taken aback by her reply, but he ordered a mocktail anyway. The rest of us, being not too happy, naturally started bitching about the bitch. "What's her problem, its not like we did something to piss her off right?" and other comments to that extent.

But the problem didn't end there. Later, as she came out with the drinks, another friend of mine asked if he could change his 2 dollar note into coins as he wanted some spare change. Her reply?
"Sorry we're too busy". I looked at the counter. It was empty. I looked at the other waiters. They were standing around. Busy?

I have to make clear that at this point we were still very cordial and polite to the waitress. We did not in any way give her attitude. So no matter what justification she had for acting the way she did, it wasn't us.

After about half and hour, we decided that we wanted to eat some mixed nuts. So we called for service, and guess who came? Yes, the mocking bitch. But we were unfallingly polite. We asked whether we could have a serving of nuts. (the snack, not the waitress.)

Guess what she said?

"No you can't. You have to order drinks first."

What the? Do you see our two rounds of empty glasses in front of you? We already spent like a freaking total of 50 or so bucks on your bar and you won't give us some nuts? What do you have like a personal vendetta against us or something? People get more nuts for much less! I can buy like 10 packets of Camel nuts with 50 bucks!

So we had to order a 3rd round of drinks, and when she came she chucked the nuts on our table. Like just threw it there.

At this point some of my friends were actually so pissed they wanted to talk to the manager. Its not hard to see why. But as I'm a pacifistic person, I persuaded them to let it go. Hoho. Self-serving bias. It wasn't only me but yeah you get the point.

A classic example of how bad service spoils a beautiful evening. Pity.