Today is the first time in weeks that I actually have any time, space or energy to just appreciate the concept of "I have a life for the first time in November."
The last 2 weeks have been a never-ending cycle of going to school, sitting on a hard bench, enduring random self-disclosures and bad jokes and trying to cram stuff into your head that you can't recall in the exam because you don't even have time to THINK.
The exams are certainly not much more than a speed writing exercise. We should have a module on speed writing. If one could write faster I'm sure even a C paper would become an A paper because you wrote twice as much crap as your neighbour. The exams are essentially an exercise in crapping. If you want to find diamonds in the rough, you need more rough.
About crap, here's what I actually did for my 205 exam, a module on speech and argumentation. We were supposed to write 5 key selling points for some policy for the first question. After spending about 5 minutes wondering what the question really wanted, I wrote down my 5 points. However, one of them went like this. Have no fear, for Spring Singapore is here! It was so cheesy that I cringed, and beside it I put in a bracket (yeah, corny I know).
I don't know why I did that but I couldn't resist it. It was probably a way to absolve my guilt at writing something that corny. Not to mention it stopped me from cringing every time I saw it again.
Since I'm in an exam mood, let me teach 201! My favourite subject, although the exam's over.
The situation: You just farted. Even as you are suffering in it, your greatest fear is, "Can anyone else smell it oh-my-gawd." You start wondering how you will excuse yourself from such appalling and anti-social behaviour. Somehow, you don't know what's worse. The fact that you're suffering, or that someone will realize what you just did and suffer along with you.
The constitutive rule is that farting is antisocial. The regulative rule however, varies depending on whether you want to admit it and how smelly the fart is. If it really stinks and you're in lecture, and its obvious that everyone is gagging and about to pass on, a good script to use would be "Not me!" However, if it isn't that bad, and it isn't that obvious that you're the perpetrator, like in the case when there are only 2 people in the lift, you can use "Hey who farted ah?"
If you are the kind who can't lie, say "Sorry".
However the dumbest thing is, the apology doesn't work on yourself. You are still suffering, and despite apologizing, so is everyone else. Sometimes, the best regulative rule is just to sit there and stay silent and hope that it all dissipates quickly so you can pretend it never happened.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
What gets you up every morning?
Sometimes, when you amble through the miasma that one calls life, do you stop and ask yourself, what gets you up every morning? Is it the sun and the prospect of a beautiful day? There is someone I know who tells me that she likes the orangey glow in the mornings. However this very same person also does some silly and bimbotic things, so I seldom take what she says very seriously. If you know who I'm talking about, it means that you agree with me about her being silly and bimbotic. Or worse still, its you.
Is it your handphone alarm? Which I've come to hate because it wakes me up every morning. I have encountered strangers who actually put my handphone's alarm ringer as their message tone, so when they get a message, I get very freaking irritated. It actually causes severe distress to me, like I will feel uncomfortable all over, very much like when you need to piss and you can't find a toilet. You would get that too if you heard the same thing waking you up every morning when you sleep on an average of 4 hours a day. Its a wonder I haven't thrown my handphone across the room yet, or at those people. Its a brick by the way, not like the light airy feathery slim ones on the market nowadays, so it would probably make a deadly projectile.
Some people would tell me "its the prospect of seeing my him/her again" that gets them up every morning. A totally cringe-worthy statement that is too mushy for words. But in any case, its a lot more engaging than what I would usually say. I've been accused of being dismissive sometimes, like a conversation ender. You'll see just why with my reply as I show later below.
Friend: What gets you up every morning?
Me : Coffee.
Totally witty and it destroys all chance for a conversation. Apparently when I give such dry one worded replies, I am sending a strong signal that I am not interested in being involved in a conversation whatsoever. Perhaps I am flattering myself by saying it is witty, but I'm certainly not flattering myself by saying that I'm a conversation destroyer.
I would go on saying that this is not a case of self-serving bias but generally a sound knowledge of 201 is not really appreciated in CS at this moment because everyone is struggling with studying for the exams. When I try to recite the textbook people ask me to shut up. Which is really ironic because these very same people then end up reciting the textbook back to me later in the day. And the best part is, they can recite things that I don't even know exist in that book.
Speaking of exams, its really crap studying for them. For the first time in my life I actually have to quote my sources and reference them, and I can't use wikipedia because encyclopedias, especially online ones that can be edited by your 8 year old kid cousin are no longer regarded as valid sources.
I was wondering if I could use my lecturers as references, like (George, Lecture on alternative and niche media, 2007), but I've a feeling that Dr. George would not find that very funny even if I were to reference something he actually said in lecture. Guess lecturers would obviously be a no, unless you want to reference our broadcast lecturer Aquila which you would probably have to since all her readings are published by her. Just make sure you don't spell her name wrongly because she wouldn't take very kindly to that I'm sure, as some unfortunate students already found out in their term papers.
I don't think it would be very right to reference fellow students either, like (Alfian, an email to Thio, 2007) for the infamous "piss on your grave" rant. Which is totally sad because the email was exciting and certainly controversial.
Ok, but back to my main topic since I've obviously digressed so much. What gets you up every morning? The desire to save the world and make it a better place? Orangey glows? Your significant other? Noisy alarms? Inconsiderate neighbours with huge boomboxing speakers that go off at 8 every morning?
What should I say in the future if someone asks me "What gets you up every morning?" I think I already know.
"Coffee."
Is it your handphone alarm? Which I've come to hate because it wakes me up every morning. I have encountered strangers who actually put my handphone's alarm ringer as their message tone, so when they get a message, I get very freaking irritated. It actually causes severe distress to me, like I will feel uncomfortable all over, very much like when you need to piss and you can't find a toilet. You would get that too if you heard the same thing waking you up every morning when you sleep on an average of 4 hours a day. Its a wonder I haven't thrown my handphone across the room yet, or at those people. Its a brick by the way, not like the light airy feathery slim ones on the market nowadays, so it would probably make a deadly projectile.
Some people would tell me "its the prospect of seeing my him/her again" that gets them up every morning. A totally cringe-worthy statement that is too mushy for words. But in any case, its a lot more engaging than what I would usually say. I've been accused of being dismissive sometimes, like a conversation ender. You'll see just why with my reply as I show later below.
Friend: What gets you up every morning?
Me : Coffee.
Totally witty and it destroys all chance for a conversation. Apparently when I give such dry one worded replies, I am sending a strong signal that I am not interested in being involved in a conversation whatsoever. Perhaps I am flattering myself by saying it is witty, but I'm certainly not flattering myself by saying that I'm a conversation destroyer.
I would go on saying that this is not a case of self-serving bias but generally a sound knowledge of 201 is not really appreciated in CS at this moment because everyone is struggling with studying for the exams. When I try to recite the textbook people ask me to shut up. Which is really ironic because these very same people then end up reciting the textbook back to me later in the day. And the best part is, they can recite things that I don't even know exist in that book.
Speaking of exams, its really crap studying for them. For the first time in my life I actually have to quote my sources and reference them, and I can't use wikipedia because encyclopedias, especially online ones that can be edited by your 8 year old kid cousin are no longer regarded as valid sources.
I was wondering if I could use my lecturers as references, like (George, Lecture on alternative and niche media, 2007), but I've a feeling that Dr. George would not find that very funny even if I were to reference something he actually said in lecture. Guess lecturers would obviously be a no, unless you want to reference our broadcast lecturer Aquila which you would probably have to since all her readings are published by her. Just make sure you don't spell her name wrongly because she wouldn't take very kindly to that I'm sure, as some unfortunate students already found out in their term papers.
I don't think it would be very right to reference fellow students either, like (Alfian, an email to Thio, 2007) for the infamous "piss on your grave" rant. Which is totally sad because the email was exciting and certainly controversial.
Ok, but back to my main topic since I've obviously digressed so much. What gets you up every morning? The desire to save the world and make it a better place? Orangey glows? Your significant other? Noisy alarms? Inconsiderate neighbours with huge boomboxing speakers that go off at 8 every morning?
What should I say in the future if someone asks me "What gets you up every morning?" I think I already know.
"Coffee."
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Temporal disconnect
Note to readers: This will not be a funny post. If you were looking for one, please go elsewhere. Check back another time when I actually feel like posting something funny.
- Temporal Disconnect -
In case some of you are wondering what temporal means, dictionary.com says
tem·po·ral –adjective
It has been bugging me for some time now, but recently I have felt a huge rift open up between me and the happenings in this world. Its like somehow I have become jaded, and suddenly everything doesn't seem to matter like it used to. Like how my life used to revolve around NTU. Suddenly I don't give a shit. Nothing matters. Not getting up on time for lecture. Not attending my tutorials. Not even studying for tests.
Just in case some of you actually think that I have suddenly become emo, I am really just jaded, and it might perhaps have something to do with eating the food from can 2 and can A one time too many because I live on campus. After a while everything is equally tasteless. It is probably a bad time to start feeling that right now, but I think I need a break. And the break isn't going to come till November ends.
And this general mood of "jaded-ness" has led me to question why I am in CS at all. When I go for a group outing, I don't know what to say or do because everyone is just fighting for attention and its not in me to steal the limelight. And when I do have things to say, I don't know if I should say it, and before I know it, the chance is gone. And it is scarier still when people start talking about popular culture and all their grand flashy plans to shock and awe everyone in CS and I realise that I have no interest or knowledge in what they are talking about.
I suddenly feel that my life is so empty, so two dimensional. I suddenly feel like I have never really lived.
I don't know where to go. I don't want to be there, because I feel so left out, but I can't leave either, because its not very nice. I don't know if you have ever been in that situation, but it is so difficult when you realise that your interests and those of your peers don't match. I try to fit myself into their conversation, but I realise that it is ultimately futile because it really isn't who I am.
And thinking about all that, I look back on my past.
I was brought up in a system where only the result mattered, where you were worthless unless you had a certain number on your report transcript. Teachers would shun you, and pigeonhole you into the worst classes and tutorial sessions if you so much as slipped up a little. Even your own schoolmates shunned you, because you were different. Defined by a different label, taught a different syllabus, and fundamentally just different.
Where every Chinese New Year you were defined as that kid from so and so school, with the obligatory back slap because you were the pride of the family. And I lived my whole life trying to be that person. Only to realise ultimately that it wasn't me. And by the time I did, there was no getting back the years that I had already lost.
I don't remember much of my formative years. If anything, they weren't really worth remembering. If anything, I wonder at how I have grown so isolated from the world around me that I live in.
But after this rift, with this temporal disconnect, I have learnt that perhaps, it is time to start living, for me.
To start leading the life I want to lead. But like a little baby, I fumble and fall. Because it is all so new to me. I have never heard half the music you people listen to and tell me about. I have never seen many of the movies or tv serials that you all converse about. I have never experienced the vivid school life everyone talks about. I have never been to all the countries and places you all have seen. And I still don't know what it means to have a best friend. Because it never seemed possible to me. Not when everyone was a competitor and not to be trusted.
I am fundamentally, empty. Like a little child. Who is already an adult.
But in the darkness, I look to the night sky. And I know that there is that one star there, just that one star, that shines for me, giving me strength. And from today, I will try to live, just for myself. Taking little baby steps. And when I look back in a few years, I hope that I will be glad that I made this choice, on this very day.
- Temporal Disconnect -
In case some of you are wondering what temporal means, dictionary.com says
tem·po·ral –adjective
| 1. | of or pertaining to time. |
| 2. | pertaining to or concerned with the present life or this world; worldly |
| 3. | enduring for a time only; temporary; transitory |
It has been bugging me for some time now, but recently I have felt a huge rift open up between me and the happenings in this world. Its like somehow I have become jaded, and suddenly everything doesn't seem to matter like it used to. Like how my life used to revolve around NTU. Suddenly I don't give a shit. Nothing matters. Not getting up on time for lecture. Not attending my tutorials. Not even studying for tests.
Just in case some of you actually think that I have suddenly become emo, I am really just jaded, and it might perhaps have something to do with eating the food from can 2 and can A one time too many because I live on campus. After a while everything is equally tasteless. It is probably a bad time to start feeling that right now, but I think I need a break. And the break isn't going to come till November ends.
And this general mood of "jaded-ness" has led me to question why I am in CS at all. When I go for a group outing, I don't know what to say or do because everyone is just fighting for attention and its not in me to steal the limelight. And when I do have things to say, I don't know if I should say it, and before I know it, the chance is gone. And it is scarier still when people start talking about popular culture and all their grand flashy plans to shock and awe everyone in CS and I realise that I have no interest or knowledge in what they are talking about.
I suddenly feel that my life is so empty, so two dimensional. I suddenly feel like I have never really lived.
I don't know where to go. I don't want to be there, because I feel so left out, but I can't leave either, because its not very nice. I don't know if you have ever been in that situation, but it is so difficult when you realise that your interests and those of your peers don't match. I try to fit myself into their conversation, but I realise that it is ultimately futile because it really isn't who I am.
And thinking about all that, I look back on my past.
I was brought up in a system where only the result mattered, where you were worthless unless you had a certain number on your report transcript. Teachers would shun you, and pigeonhole you into the worst classes and tutorial sessions if you so much as slipped up a little. Even your own schoolmates shunned you, because you were different. Defined by a different label, taught a different syllabus, and fundamentally just different.
Where every Chinese New Year you were defined as that kid from so and so school, with the obligatory back slap because you were the pride of the family. And I lived my whole life trying to be that person. Only to realise ultimately that it wasn't me. And by the time I did, there was no getting back the years that I had already lost.
I don't remember much of my formative years. If anything, they weren't really worth remembering. If anything, I wonder at how I have grown so isolated from the world around me that I live in.
But after this rift, with this temporal disconnect, I have learnt that perhaps, it is time to start living, for me.
To start leading the life I want to lead. But like a little baby, I fumble and fall. Because it is all so new to me. I have never heard half the music you people listen to and tell me about. I have never seen many of the movies or tv serials that you all converse about. I have never experienced the vivid school life everyone talks about. I have never been to all the countries and places you all have seen. And I still don't know what it means to have a best friend. Because it never seemed possible to me. Not when everyone was a competitor and not to be trusted.
I am fundamentally, empty. Like a little child. Who is already an adult.
But in the darkness, I look to the night sky. And I know that there is that one star there, just that one star, that shines for me, giving me strength. And from today, I will try to live, just for myself. Taking little baby steps. And when I look back in a few years, I hope that I will be glad that I made this choice, on this very day.
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