Its been a crazy 5 days. Words don't really begin to even describe the experience. But one thing is for sure, that is our lives are so much fuller because of it.
Throughout the whole camp there was this very weird sense of deja vu, that I've been here before, done this before, seen this before. We played the same games, went to the same places, did the same things even. The only thing that was different was the people. Whilst last year, I did the FOC with my fellow freshies, this year, only a few of them remained, and this time, we were the seniors. But I had little time to dwell on that throughout because the OG was keeping me busy half the time, and when they weren't, I was being roped in to do other stuff.
Before this camp, I asked myself if I really wanted to be their AGL. I had no idea what the role entailed, the only thing I knew for sure was that it wouldn't be easy for me. For one, I was informed only like less than a week before the camp of this new role, when all along I had just expected to be a senior attached (SA), with no more responsibility than any other SA.
Secondly, with this being a new role, I don't think anyone really knew what an AGL was supposed to do. Which basically meant we could end up doing anything. Thirdly, I asked myself why I would want to do it if the OG might not appreciate it at the end. I don't remember my own AGLs. And I don't think its because they didn't try hard enough. I think it was more likely because they had little time to interact with us. It sucks when you do work and get no credit. I'm not going to bullshit. It does, especially if the work, also known as saikang, is tiring and unpleasant.
During the camp, my worst fears were kind of confirmed. It wasn't easy trying to get to know close to 30 pple when you're not with them all the time and you're not exactly the most naturally sociable person around. Many times I was freaking afraid, because I was in front of almost 30 people that I didn't know, and they were looking at me expecting me to say something, to tell them what to do, when I knew nothing myself. And when I looked around, there was nobody around to tell me what to do next.
Maybe I didn't take enough initiative to ask about the program, but I wasn't given a schedule, or anything resembling a briefing or debriefing everyday. And sometimes, its impossible for me to keep asking when I'm running all over the place. I am only human, I get tired too, and many times, I was literally the only one there, because the SAs had gone home, just like what I expected to do as an SA, and I was totally clueless about what was going on next. And when I was suddenly asked to do the mass dance, I was seriously like WTF. I'm okay with dancing if someone teaches me. But there wasn't any time to.
In those moments the image in my mind was of nails scratching on glass, because it felt exactly like that. It wasn't until the third day when I knew all of their names, and that was because every chance I had I pulled someone aside and asked, and repeated their names to myself.
For much of this FOC, I was being pulled away to do other stuff. I missed a lot of moments that I would have wanted to be part of. Moments I would have been part of if I had signed on just to be an SA. I felt the irony very strongly just then, how I ended up doing less, by signing up to do more. I missed half the NTU games, spent hours in a wet and slippery storm drain, and I didn't go to Raffles Marina with them. That was really a low point.
It got even lower when I nearly didn't get a role on thursday night because there were too many of us. At that point I nearly wanted to explode. You made me miss Raffles Marina just so that you could tell me I didn't even have a role on thursday night? I felt really cheated and let down, especially since I had stuck through these very same people for 4 days, helping out in every way I could, without any complaint up to them up to that point. It felt like the worst backstab in the world. It was the first time I really understood why they called it a backstab. Because it really felt like a cold shard of ice just went through me.
At that point I was all ready to pack my bags and leave. I don't know what made me stay. I think I realised that if I had a meltdown at that point it wasn't going to help anyone. I bit my lip, fought for a role, then I improvised. It turns out I had a lot of fun anyway, and for that I am thankful.
It got better on the last day, when the program finally slowed down, and I had some real time to talk to some of the freshies I had no chance to talk to previously. And they came up with a skit that literally took the house down. And when they won best OG, it was the first time since the camp started that I finally felt like I did the right thing in signing up to be their AGL. The real reason I was happy then, was not because I felt that they had won best OG and I deserved some credit for it.
It was really because this is something they will take with them, something that wraps up that experience in the sweetest way possible, in a way that it did for me even till now. And it was really because they deserved it so much, just for being them.
Thanks Penne, for making it all worthwhile.