I love Chinese New Year. I mean, how can you not. I am conditioned to respond with enthusiasm at the sight of bright red angpows. Just like how Pavlov conditioned his dog all those years ago, only that I do it at a higher level, with more subtlety and small talk and less salivating.
But I have to admit that this CNY, I really felt my age. Where did all these little kids come from. I could have sworn that just a year ago, they didn't exist. Wait, you know what, they really didn't. And suddenly I have to play with a whole coterie of babies, clasping their tiny little hands, even smaller feet, and I have to contend with their slightly older siblings calling me uncle. And their beaming grandparents handing those little critters over to me, saying "Come, let uncle carry you. Boy, don't kick around. Look at uncle, boy ah. Look at uncle."
"Yah, smack your backside then you know." That last phrase was from me. I mean, I like kids but how do you engage a baby that doesn't even want to look at you. What I do sometimes is feed them peanut shells when their grandparents aren't looking. They really seem to love it. It's salty and fibrous after all, makes a good chew toy.
No, I'm really kidding. Their grandparents would kill me for that. But I did feed a toddler some. His mom later fished it out of his mouth, and smacked his butt. He will never eat another peanut shell again. One learns best from the school of hard knocks.
But well, I am still not used to being called "uncle". I am just 24 years old. Uncle used to be what I called other people, and they have always been those who hid in corners or pretended to be extremely interested in whatever was showing on television while their wives were busy making small talk. It gets quite funny sometimes when something like "Enchanted" is showing on television for the kids' entertainment and you see your 50-ish uncle straining to try and follow the inane sappiness of it.
And in another sign that things have changed, my peers have started giving me angpows and asking when it will be my turn to get married so they can save the angpow on me. And all my uncles and aunties start looking at me and going "Next one your turn ah. My son and daughter all married already. When can I attend your wedding dinner? Hahaha."
Very funny meh? How come I'm not laughing. I felt obligated to at least make a half-smile and laugh a little, but it came out like "hurhur" which didn't really do much to convince them that I was really very amused by their question.
There was a really funny moment this CNY though. A cousin of mine took out this list of formal addresses for relatives in Chinese that he printed off the Internet, saying that everyone should start learning how to call each other so it was more polite. You know, like what you call your second aunt's husband's sister on your father's side, that kind of nonsense. After awhile, he looked at the English translations, and he proceeded to say this.
"Aiyah, just call everyone auntie and uncle la. It's so much easier."
Precisely. Because CNY is the time when you meet all these random relatives that you probably wouldn't know from another person on the streets, and yet you have to pretend to be cordial because somehow by some stroke of fate you are in the same house.
So you have to make conversation with someone you could hardly care less about, and ditto for them, and pretend that you are genuinely interested that their kid is attending the same course you are, that they had a really tough time in the army, that their son ran away with their life savings and so on. I was talking with one of my more distant cousins, and the conversation ran into many awkward pauses, not least because I really didn't know what to fill it with, and same for them.
I mean, I can do small talk, but for most small talk, you have the option of saying bye and walking away when you run out of stuff to talk about. When its CNY, you can't leave till its polite to do so, which can be anywhere from half an hour to an hour. An hour of small talk between two disinterested parties is probably something you could milk for comedic effect because of all the badly spaced pregnant pauses and hanging sentences, if only you weren't the person stuck in it.
"So, I heard that you are studying now."
"Yes, I am studying mass communications at NTU."
"Wah, your English must be very good." (Seriously, why is this all they ever say about people who do mass comm? It is so not true.)
"Erm yah."
*awkward pause*
And this is when the humble angpow, the ambassador of goodwill, makes an entrance, so they can save further awkwardness.
But they then struggle to find the right filler phrase to say. Should it be "学业进步" because they can't be sure if you're still studying? Should it be "快高长大" because they are unsure if you are still a teenager? Yes, I still pass off convincingly as an A level student, I have good genes. Or should it be "心想事成" because you're already working? As a matter of fact, I got all three from different people, and I couldn't care less because all I cared about was that red packet they were holding.
I think I might have scared a few of them by being a little too eager to take the packet out of their hands before they had finished saying their filler phrase, which was quite obvious because their fingers were still gripping tightly to the angpow when I pulled on it. I know I have this crazed loopy grin when I want something really badly. It freaks the shit out of people, or so I've been told.
And the angpow comes into good use because the other favourite pastime of CNY is gambling. Your parents will normally chk you when you try to gamble, but during CNY, they are the ones opening the house and inviting people to gamble.
Only at CNY. Huat ah!