It's that time of the year again, the time to do your duty as a civic minded Singaporean and pay your taxes. But if you're a law-abiding one like me, you pay those every day. So what I really mean is, go vote in the Presidential elections.
If you're a plebeian like me, no matter who you vote, it is unlikely to have much impact on your life. The media will tell you otherwise, promising you doomsday scenarios of gridlocks in Parliament caused by presidents imbued with vetoes bursting with godliness.
These vetoes that they are talking about portend the coming of an apocalyptic age, where a single man can stop bills in their tracks, and usher in successive new ages of Progress Packages funded by the reserves that have been squirreled away for eternity till Singapore goes bankrupt.
It's like insurance, you see it only when you're dead, which means you never see it, but you know it's there. It's the whole reason why you're paying taxes. Right? Now, if its really your money, why the secrecy about it? How do I know the patricians aren't using it to buy golden taps in their bathrooms. One of them did, once.
Yes, this is exactly the kind of question plebeians ask. If you don't like it, or if you think that it's retarded, don't forget that when it comes to the vote, my vote counts as much as yours. Crying shame isn't it. You can quote Machiavelli, I'll quote the auntie at my local NTUC who always tells me that the government only knows how to raise prices.
Now, they are actually telling you that the Presidency is effectively a useless office, because the Constitution said so. I always kind of suspected that Nathan was useless, but its nice to have them confirm it in the papers again and again. It's also very nice to know that we pay a man four million dollars a year so he can sit in an office and not do jackshit. It's like the facebooking receptionist, but at least she makes me coffee when she's not stalking somebody.
Do you know how many kids I could feed in Africa with four million dollars? Okay, that's a stupid question. None, because you can't eat money. Hurhur.
Anyway, all this veto nonsense, it's all bullshit. We all know that only one man has any real veto power in Singapore. His name is White Thunder God, alias Harry Lee. Say one thing out of line, and he'll strike you down with lightning so hard your bones will shake even six feet under, and all your descendants will lose their pink ICs.
But some candidates still don't get it that the President isn't a one man opposition party. He can't even vote on bills, all he can do is advise. If the thunder gods aren't going to listen to the one third of Singapore that can't stand having them in office, why would they listen to one man, even if he can manage a 100 million dollars? Because he's the President? Hahahaha.
He had best better stay impartial, which is a synonym for "don't do anything political, just go around carrying babies, shaking hands and attending community events." And oh, don't forget, every year you have to put on a show at the National Day Parade like a circus monkey.
The wannabes want to be a champion for the masses. Sure, but if you're seeking immortality as the greatest president who ever lived, forget it. The last guy who did a fantastic job, he didn't even get a state funeral. You can help the plebeians, but the patricians are the ones who hold the land stratas.
If you're a plebeian, it doesn't matter what the papers say. It doesn't even matter what anyone says. Because you don't really care. No matter who I vote for President, the price of char kway teow keeps increasing. Bosses are still bastards. The MRT is still crowded. And the Indian food stall near my house is now run by an Ah Tiong who serves me prata, in what could be the ultimate irony of Currygate.
Of course it sucks, the Ah Tiong doesn't toss it, it's mass produced from his homeland. I don't hate Ah Tiongs by the way, I just prefer my prata tossed by Indians.
If you're a plebeian, you don't want Tony Tan to win because he's anything but plebeian. No one ever gave a shit about him until he decided to run for the presidency, and he's now our best choice? In this entire passage, only that last sentence was pure, absolute truth.
I love being a plebeian.