She of the honey-brown rebonded hair,
powdered face, painted nails and coloured contacts
Wearing eyeliner, mascara and long fake eyelashes
A body hugging tube top and too short shorts
Topped off with a pair of flip-flops.
Coming to a neighbourhood near you. If not already present in your neighbourhood.
Excerpt taken from "Weili - Mutterings of a neighbourhood uncle"
What exactly is an "ah lian"? Basically, anyone who fits that description. If you want to appear more cultured because maintaning an "atas" image apparently demonstrates your educational upbringing, you can call them "heartland honeys". I'll just call them ah lians.
It isn't difficult to spot ah lians these days. When they enter MRT trains, young guys shift in their seats, and ah peks give them a once-over from head to toe, before resting their gaze somewhere in the face or chest area depending on how low-cut the top is.
If you see a girl that fits that description but you aren't sure, another telltale sign is how they are almost always found holding a camera with one arm outstretched slightly above head level, looking into it with their best imitation of a puppy dog, accompanied with obligatory tilted head, half-smile or kissy pout.
This is also known as "zi pai", or "camwhoring". If said girls are not camwhoring, they will be endlessly sms-ing people on their phones, oblivious to the rest of the world checking them out. Sometimes I wonder if they do it so they don't have to deal with the knowledge that some disgusting ah pek is observing their every move.
Now, you might be wondering why I've suddenly decided to write about ah lians. Well, I personally find ah lians very interesting. They make me shift in my seat on the MRT. And from my detailed descriptions, you have probably realised that I observe ah lians quite a bit.
A friend I chatted to once could not believe that I checked out ah lians. I could not believe that she believed I didn't check out ah lians. I'm young, and I'm male. If I didn't check out ah lians, I'd either be getting ready to shave my head and bless random people, or I would be batting on their team. Neither of which is really my cup of tea.
She proceeded to test me on what ah lians wore, and their habits. I passed the test with flying colours, which led her to conclude that I was the equivalent of a wolf in sheep's clothing. Hey, give the young guy a break man. Just because I look smart, it doesn't mean I don't check out ah lians. They put in so much effort into their appearance, the least I could do is pay them a compliment by acknowledging it.
However, from my extensive experience observing ah lians, I have realised that the impression of them is best when they do not open their mouths. Once you have heard the stuff coming out of their mouths, you would be hard pressed to argue that they have brains.
I guess to some people that makes them adorable, but beware. If you date an ah lian, you will need enough brains for 2, and you have to be prepared for conversation like this.
“nb knn. 刚才在 McDonald hor, 有个人在 tiao 我 leh. There there! 她 lor, 那个以为自己很chio 的。chio 个 kanasai.”
(Expletives abbreviated because this is a cultured blog.)
Sometimes, ah lians smoke too which gives them bad breath, and sometimes they come with tattoos in funny places. The worst thing about dating them? You can be sure as hell your mom won't approve.
Hence in my book, ah lians are relegated to a category called eye candy - "See but no touch." There are some kinds of candy that you cannot eat, and this is one of them.